Not Going to Lie

I've been very stressed lately. I'm having post postpartum anxiety and depression. Yes, I admit it. It is out there. Plain as day. I have postpartum anxiety and depression. I struggled with it after I had Jace and I am struggling with it after having Tessa. I have yet to go to the doctor and get back on medication for it but I am working through this little bit of difficulty on my own, for now at least. Life is hard. I know I was never promised an easy life but I feel like I was at least promised with some relief from the hard stuff sometimes. I feel like I'm drowning. I feel like everything is too hard and too overwhelming. I am lucky to have a great husband who understands this and is doing everything is his power to help me. He even offered to me an opportunity to find a job I love, get out of the house during the day, and he can be a stay-at-home dad until he leaves for basic. This coming from the man who told me the day before he never wanted to be home with the kids 24/7. Talk about amazing!
I was so young when I had Jace. I got pregnant at 15, had him at 16. I was in shock for most of my pregnancy. It was such a new concept to me. Most of my friends had left me when they found out I was having a baby. It was a hard time. Probably the hardest time of my life. I suffered with pp depression after he was born. I got to a point where I didn't want to live anymore. Life hurt too bad and I didn't know how to make anything better. I felt inadequate as a mother, as a girlfriend, as a daughter. I felt such guilt for being a teen mother. In time I got help and got better. Life got better and bearable. I found going to church with people who loved me helped TONS! I forgave myself for getting pregnant so young. Once I did that it was as if the sun had risen for the first time on such a long time for me. I was happy. I was able to really enjoy being a mom. Things were going so great Bryce and I talked about having another baby. Now we didn't exactly plan on getting pregnant as soon as we did with Tessa. But nonetheless, we wanted to grow our family.
My pregnancy with Tessa was awful. It was stressful and hard being pregnant and having a rowdy two year old. I was in such constant pain from my hips and ligaments. I was wrongly diagnosed with an abdominal hernia. I spent months being cautious about what I lifted and how I moved. I was terrified I'd have to have surgery and I'd lose the baby. Come to find out when I was about 6 months pregnant it was not a hernia but just a stressed ligament. Awesome. So then I had one less worry.  I didn't feel a connection with Tessa when I was pregnant with her. It was as if she was someone else's baby that I was carrying. I hated myself for that. I hated that I couldn't figure out a way to bond with my unborn baby. Her kicks seemed like annoyances rather than a miracle. Hearing her heartbeat didn't make me smile, it was just noise. It wasn't until about a month before she was born that I felt any sort of connection with her. That was about the time I realized that I would have a new baby to hold soon. A new baby to not make the same mistakes I did with Jace. A new little life to love and to be loved by. I finally bonded with her! Now looking back I feel ashamed that I didn't enjoy being pregnant with her. I am ashamed that I didn't allow myself to fully love her earlier. There is nothing I can do about it but love her to the fullest and make sure she knows it. That is the honest truth.
Now that I have a two year old boy and a two month old girl, life is crazy. I spend my days changing diapers, cleaning, cooking, and feeding babies. Jace is in his terrible twos and in full force. I daily feel like I'm about to breakdown and call it quits. Yesterday was one of those days. I spent the day with my sister, her baby boy, my mom, and Tessa. Bryce had Jace at home. It was nice and relaxing to only have to worry about a little baby who only wants food, a diaper change, and to be held. I could put her in her carseat and not have to worry about her walking off or grabbing things and putting it in a different place. I still missed Jace but I got to take a deep breath from him for a little while. I come home from my day out and Jace runs up to me and gives me a great big hug. I loved it! He was happy to see me. At least he was for a little while. Dinner went alright. He didn't eat much but that's not new news. He played with his sister for a little while. And then all hell broke lose. He screamed at me, had an attitude with me, even threw fits when he didn't get his way. My sweet little man turned mean and rude. I know this is just the age and he's trying to figure out his own way in the world but this hurts.
So I'm not going to lie, life kinda sucks right now. I wish some things were different. I wish I was a little different. But I will survive. I will make it through this stage and I will see brighter days.