My children

My children are already part of the "military children" category. Daddy is gone to be a soldier and mommy is the only one at home to take care of everything. Whenever Jace sees a soldier he tells me (and them usually) that his daddy is gone to be one of them. He told me today that he just has a mommy and I had to quickly remind him that he has a daddy too, he's just gone for a little while. I have to explain to my son why he has to leave his friends and move to another state. Although our move is not required by the military, we need to make it. I have to find good things about moving to another state that Jace will understand. Tessa may be too young to understand but she knows her daddy isn't around anymore. She knows everything is up to Mom.
 Jace gives a lot more hugs and kisses to me and his sister. Maybe he's trying to make sure we know that kisses fix every booboo, even just missing Daddy. That boy has a special light that shines through him. That light of his helped me through a lot when he was just a little baby and it continues to help me today. He has a very strong purpose on this earth. To bring a smile to everyone around him. I'm so thankful God gave us Jace.
  Tessa showers me with kisses and smiles when she notices I'm not in such a happy mood.  She has started to really play with Jace and become "one of the big kids" with him. Tessa can tell when I'm in a crummy mood (usually because she's started tantrums and kicking me while she's getting her diaper changed) No matter what she gives off love. She was kicking the wall of her crib tonight and I went in to get her out and the first thing she did was give me a huge kiss. She knew I was upset and even though I was upset she wasn't sleeping, she wanted to make everything better.
Now, I don't want my children to have a "job", per se. But everyone in a family fills a certain gap. And when you take someone out of that gap, temporarily or permanently, everyone else has to adjust and find a way to be whole. Since Bryce left, I thought it was my job to just fill his missing gap til he returns. But my kids have showed me in their own way that they can help too. They can fill the missing kisses and the missing hugs. They can bring that extra brightness to our home. I am so grateful for my children. I am grateful that Bryce has been able to be home with us as long as he was to help me raise them. I am grateful that he is only gone for a short amount of time. It will be another adjustment when he's done with training, but it will be well welcomed!

Day 5

I've made it through 5 days without my love. 5 days but 6 nights, almost 7 nights. It's been so hard on me and the kids. Jace tells me a few times a day he misses his daddy but he's knows he's going to be a soldier now. Tessa walks around the house calling "dada, dada!!" It breaks my heart to see them miss him so much.

I've been thinking about just how much I miss Bryce. Can it really be that we put so much of our happiness and joy in one person? I mean Bryce leaves and suddenly staying home all day everyday in my sweats seems like an awesome idea. I don't find things as funny anymore. I force myself to smile and act happy around others. Being complimented on how "strong" I am seems insulting. I don't feel strong. I feel weak and vulnerable. This all probably seems random and whiney but I don't care. I have no one to share these thoughts with. My person is gone. He's running and doing push-ups. He's working so hard for me and the babies, while I sit here grumbling. I'm so mad at myself for feeling like this. I don't want to be weak. I despise that characteristic.

I went to church tonight in hopes that the message would give me extra strength. Instead I felt alone in a room full of people. All I could think about was how i miss holding his hand in service and him telling me to stop doodling and focus. All I found tonight was emptiness. All I've found all week is emptiness. Maybe when I get a letter from him or his live voice on the phone, I won't feel so empty.

The nights suck.

It's been a couple days since Bryce has left. The days are getting easier, the nights are harder. I miss him. The kids miss him. I knew what we were getting into but the reality is far harder. I've still been working and trying to keep things normal. How can things be normal when a fourth of our lives is gone? I never realized just how much he does for us. It's not the big things I miss, just the little ones. I married him with the expectation to share our lives together and here I sit without an address to send his letters and without him actually here. I know he is there for me and the kids. I know he is providing for us. I know we decided on this together but I was not prepared for it. I can handle the kids on my own. That's the easy part. I can be understanding with them because I know they miss their dad. It's when the babies go to bed and I'm alone. I sit in our bed trying to fill the time until I can finally pass out. I fear falling asleep because what if I have another nightmare or a panic attack and he isn't there to rub my back and remind me to breath. This is the part that sucks. He's there growing and learning so much. He's moving forward in his life. I feel like I'm stuck. It's like life is standing still. I know it's only been a few days and I'm praying many prayers that it gets easier.

BUT

I know I am strong. I can handle this. I can make it through the next 10+ weeks stronger than ever. My relationship with the kids will only grow stronger. My confidence will at an all time high. I'm excited for this adventure, as scary as it is. I've never been more proud of Bryce than I do now. He is so selfless and the best husband/dad ever! He is strictly doing this to better our family situation. We are an Army strong family now. =)