Please be proud

I recently was in a My Story film at my church. I told my story of how I became a mom so young and how I've grown. I was going to wait to watch until it aired at church this weekend but I went ahead and followed the link posted on facebook and watched it. It was so hard to watch, not because of what was in it but because who wasn't. Bryce didn't get to see me film it. He didn't get to be in it. He doesn't get to see it until after basic. I miss him. I just want to know he's still proud of me. I know his idea of me hasn't changed but I've changed. I've grown in the 4 weeks he's been gone. I've become stronger, more confident, patient. I want him to see it. I want him to look me in the eyes one last time and tell me he's proud of who I've grown into.

Since we married young a lot of people told us that our marriage wouldn't last. We would really grow up and realize we didn't love each other. I'm terrified that will happen to us. We made a pact together that divorce was never on the table. We would never let our marriage get so bad we wanted out. Although there had been times that the talk of a divorce had lingered, we worked our hardest to make things right. Since I've been changing so much in the past 8 months or so and now he's gone to basic and changing so much, I'm very fearful. We have always been together. We went to school together, we worked part-time and spent every moment not working, together. We have been a team, one solid unit, since before Jace was born. And to not have him here this last month when the big changes have been made is hard. I know the changes wouldn't have happened if he hadn't left but I still feel like we are missing out on each others lives.

We will be apart for a grand total of 6 months. I made a list of everything Bryce was going to miss with the kids while he was gone. Jace's 4th birthday. Tessa learning new words and getting a full mouth of teeth. Both kids 100% potty trained. I didn't even think about what he would miss with me. Graduating from Freedom Session. I know it's not school but I've never finished something and had a ceremony before. He's missing our 3 year wedding anniversary. He's missing me stepping up and making some really hard decisions that I usually would have avoided. He's missing seeing me become the mother I always wanted to be but something was just missing and holding me back. How do I make it up to him? How do I give him a piece of all he's missed?

I just feel so crummy tonight. When I'm upset I think and lately thinking has made me just want to put words down and put all those feelings down in black and white. Once they are down, I can leave them there and move forward. I can cry while I write but when the last period  hits the page, I'm done with the sad. I'm done with the negative feelings and I can move on with the night. I know everything is going to be okay.

I know because we are an Army strong family who can make it through.

Sunday's suck.

Tomorrow marks 4 weeks since we started this 25 week long journey. Ya'll are probably tired of hearing my talk about it but, I don't care. I'm so proud and so scared at the same time. That fear of him being gone, me on my own, it hasn't seemed to go away. Sunday's are the worst. I'm so busy all day with church, life group, the kids, waiting for him phone call. When it hits evening time, I'm so exhausted emotionally that I just want to cry and eat buckets of ice cream. Next week will be even harder since it's mother's day. I know it sounds whiny and dumb but since the kids are too young to know it's mother's day and Bryce isn't home to help them, I'll spend the day seeing every other mom's facebook pictures of flowers and chocolates and jewelry and other sweet gifts that someone who loves them, gave them. It hurts. I didn't think it'd bother but the closer it gets, the more it hurts. I just want him home to remind me that I'm loved. I don't want to hear it from everyone else. I want him home to tell me. I want him to hug me and tell me I'm doing a good job and that he's proud of me. Why did God send him at this point in time? Why did he wait til things were practically perfect in our marriage to separate us? Why didn't we get more time to be together? I feel like he left and I'm stuck here picking up the pieces. Trying to hold it together. Tonight I'm full of complaints and tears. Tonight it sucks. But tomorrow is another day. Tomorrow the exhaustion will fade away. 6 more sundays of this and then I'll get to hug him again. I can make it.