Good-Bye 2015. Hello 2016.

Wow, it has definitely been a full year. Lots of ups and downs. But we made it through!!

January: We celebrated Tessa's 1st birthday and Bryce's 20th.
February: It was such a quiet month. I can't even recall anything big happening! haha
March: Bryce continued working all month towards joining the Army. We got the bittersweet news that he would be leaving for Basic training with only 10 days to prepare our family. It was a scary time but it was what we needed for our family to take the next step. This was the start of our new life. This was also the same time I took a leap and applied for a supervisor position at work but ended up not getting it. Which bothered me at first and then we found out Bryce was leaving so it ended up actually being a good thing.
April: Bryce left the morning of Easter. The kids and I went up north and spend the day with some family. It was so nice to be surrounded by those who cared for us. It didn' hit me until we got home that night and I realized just how lonely the next few months were gonna be. We did get to go up the Seattle the next day and spend the whole day together waiting for Bryce to be sworn in and then walking around downtown Seattle. It was our last day as a family for a long time.
May: I quit my job at Kohl's and became the stay at home mom I've longed for! It was hard to leave a job that I truly loved and the people there. I also packed up all of our things, put them in storage and then moved the kids and myself to Texas with just shorts and tshirts. It was quite difficult but needed.
June: We got the awful news that Bryce was being recycled and would have to endure an extra 3-4 weeks of training. It was a blessing in disguise. It gave him a little extra time to become an even better solider. But it also tested me. I don't do well with stress and being patient. Two things that you need to be able to handle when you become an Army spouse. Bryce being recycled tested me and helped me grown stronger. In June, we also celebrated Jace turning 4!
July: Finally, we got to see Bryce. My mom, Jace, Tessa, and myself all got packed up in the car and drove the 12 hours to Georgia to see Bryce graduate. It was a very long trip for only 2 days with him but oh so worth it! He finally became an United State's Army soldier. He worked so hard for that day and we are so proud of the man he is. =) Bryce went onto AIT and we moved into a different chapter. After having VERY limited contact with Bryce, (a call once every couple weeks, sometimes sooner, sometimes longer) we were now able to talk to him during his free time on a daily basis.
August: I bought a car! Our first car! And I got a very good deal for it too! Other than that, August sucked. It was SO hot in Texas and we were done with it! haha
September: The kids and I spent lots of time with their Aunt Nini and cousin Hutson. =)
October: We took a last minute trip to Pensacola to visit Bryce. Literally a week before we were like "hey, we miss each other. lets spend the weekend together!" So I loaded the kids up in the car and we drove 10+ hours on a friday morning to make it to see Bryce for dinner. We got to spend all day Saturday together at the beach at in the hotel room since it was FREEZING! Sunday we only had until noon to spend together but we watched the sun rise on the beach. Something I've always dreamed of. It was such a short time together but it was exactly what we needed as a family. The kids had no clue until we got there that they were gonna see Daddy. I just kept telling them we were gonna go to the beach. It was on the best weekends of my life. =) Bryce also graduated from AIT in October, just a couple weeks after our mini vacation. He then came "home" to Texas and we packed up our little car and headed to our new home, Colorado. Within an hour of arriving, we got our keys locked in our car. And of course our kids had upset stomachs from being the car for a day and a half. Colorado was definitely welcoming us with open arms! =)
November: we spent the entire month living in a hotel. We were lucky enough to have a kitchen and washer/dryer but, it still wasn't a home. We had met some friends and they invited us for Thanksgiving. It was SO nice to not be on our own for a major holiday.
December: We finally moved into our very first home!!! We are so blessed with a 3 bedroom, 2.5 month bath, 1600 sq ft 2 story house!! I'm still amazed at all the space. I have a bedroom that doesn't double as the living room or home office or any other space. I have a walk in closet, yall!! The kids could have their own rooms but who wants to sleep alone, right?! =) We also celebrated my 21st birthday. And let me tell you, my husband ROCKS at birthdays. I got to sleep in, breakfast in bed, shopping, and going out to eat where the restaurant sang happy birthday to me. We enjoyed our first christmas morning, just us. It was also the first year we could afford to get the kids more than just some small cheap gift. We have been so blessed. For Christmas dinner we, again, got to spend it with some great friends. People here are just so friendly and kind. It makes not being close to family so much easier!

This year, our life has completely turned out. We are happier and stronger for it. I am so grateful for all that we have been blessed with.  Thank you to everyone who has been apart of our lives this year! Here's to an even better year in 2016!!

Please be proud

I recently was in a My Story film at my church. I told my story of how I became a mom so young and how I've grown. I was going to wait to watch until it aired at church this weekend but I went ahead and followed the link posted on facebook and watched it. It was so hard to watch, not because of what was in it but because who wasn't. Bryce didn't get to see me film it. He didn't get to be in it. He doesn't get to see it until after basic. I miss him. I just want to know he's still proud of me. I know his idea of me hasn't changed but I've changed. I've grown in the 4 weeks he's been gone. I've become stronger, more confident, patient. I want him to see it. I want him to look me in the eyes one last time and tell me he's proud of who I've grown into.

Since we married young a lot of people told us that our marriage wouldn't last. We would really grow up and realize we didn't love each other. I'm terrified that will happen to us. We made a pact together that divorce was never on the table. We would never let our marriage get so bad we wanted out. Although there had been times that the talk of a divorce had lingered, we worked our hardest to make things right. Since I've been changing so much in the past 8 months or so and now he's gone to basic and changing so much, I'm very fearful. We have always been together. We went to school together, we worked part-time and spent every moment not working, together. We have been a team, one solid unit, since before Jace was born. And to not have him here this last month when the big changes have been made is hard. I know the changes wouldn't have happened if he hadn't left but I still feel like we are missing out on each others lives.

We will be apart for a grand total of 6 months. I made a list of everything Bryce was going to miss with the kids while he was gone. Jace's 4th birthday. Tessa learning new words and getting a full mouth of teeth. Both kids 100% potty trained. I didn't even think about what he would miss with me. Graduating from Freedom Session. I know it's not school but I've never finished something and had a ceremony before. He's missing our 3 year wedding anniversary. He's missing me stepping up and making some really hard decisions that I usually would have avoided. He's missing seeing me become the mother I always wanted to be but something was just missing and holding me back. How do I make it up to him? How do I give him a piece of all he's missed?

I just feel so crummy tonight. When I'm upset I think and lately thinking has made me just want to put words down and put all those feelings down in black and white. Once they are down, I can leave them there and move forward. I can cry while I write but when the last period  hits the page, I'm done with the sad. I'm done with the negative feelings and I can move on with the night. I know everything is going to be okay.

I know because we are an Army strong family who can make it through.

Sunday's suck.

Tomorrow marks 4 weeks since we started this 25 week long journey. Ya'll are probably tired of hearing my talk about it but, I don't care. I'm so proud and so scared at the same time. That fear of him being gone, me on my own, it hasn't seemed to go away. Sunday's are the worst. I'm so busy all day with church, life group, the kids, waiting for him phone call. When it hits evening time, I'm so exhausted emotionally that I just want to cry and eat buckets of ice cream. Next week will be even harder since it's mother's day. I know it sounds whiny and dumb but since the kids are too young to know it's mother's day and Bryce isn't home to help them, I'll spend the day seeing every other mom's facebook pictures of flowers and chocolates and jewelry and other sweet gifts that someone who loves them, gave them. It hurts. I didn't think it'd bother but the closer it gets, the more it hurts. I just want him home to remind me that I'm loved. I don't want to hear it from everyone else. I want him home to tell me. I want him to hug me and tell me I'm doing a good job and that he's proud of me. Why did God send him at this point in time? Why did he wait til things were practically perfect in our marriage to separate us? Why didn't we get more time to be together? I feel like he left and I'm stuck here picking up the pieces. Trying to hold it together. Tonight I'm full of complaints and tears. Tonight it sucks. But tomorrow is another day. Tomorrow the exhaustion will fade away. 6 more sundays of this and then I'll get to hug him again. I can make it.

My children

My children are already part of the "military children" category. Daddy is gone to be a soldier and mommy is the only one at home to take care of everything. Whenever Jace sees a soldier he tells me (and them usually) that his daddy is gone to be one of them. He told me today that he just has a mommy and I had to quickly remind him that he has a daddy too, he's just gone for a little while. I have to explain to my son why he has to leave his friends and move to another state. Although our move is not required by the military, we need to make it. I have to find good things about moving to another state that Jace will understand. Tessa may be too young to understand but she knows her daddy isn't around anymore. She knows everything is up to Mom.
 Jace gives a lot more hugs and kisses to me and his sister. Maybe he's trying to make sure we know that kisses fix every booboo, even just missing Daddy. That boy has a special light that shines through him. That light of his helped me through a lot when he was just a little baby and it continues to help me today. He has a very strong purpose on this earth. To bring a smile to everyone around him. I'm so thankful God gave us Jace.
  Tessa showers me with kisses and smiles when she notices I'm not in such a happy mood.  She has started to really play with Jace and become "one of the big kids" with him. Tessa can tell when I'm in a crummy mood (usually because she's started tantrums and kicking me while she's getting her diaper changed) No matter what she gives off love. She was kicking the wall of her crib tonight and I went in to get her out and the first thing she did was give me a huge kiss. She knew I was upset and even though I was upset she wasn't sleeping, she wanted to make everything better.
Now, I don't want my children to have a "job", per se. But everyone in a family fills a certain gap. And when you take someone out of that gap, temporarily or permanently, everyone else has to adjust and find a way to be whole. Since Bryce left, I thought it was my job to just fill his missing gap til he returns. But my kids have showed me in their own way that they can help too. They can fill the missing kisses and the missing hugs. They can bring that extra brightness to our home. I am so grateful for my children. I am grateful that Bryce has been able to be home with us as long as he was to help me raise them. I am grateful that he is only gone for a short amount of time. It will be another adjustment when he's done with training, but it will be well welcomed!

Day 5

I've made it through 5 days without my love. 5 days but 6 nights, almost 7 nights. It's been so hard on me and the kids. Jace tells me a few times a day he misses his daddy but he's knows he's going to be a soldier now. Tessa walks around the house calling "dada, dada!!" It breaks my heart to see them miss him so much.

I've been thinking about just how much I miss Bryce. Can it really be that we put so much of our happiness and joy in one person? I mean Bryce leaves and suddenly staying home all day everyday in my sweats seems like an awesome idea. I don't find things as funny anymore. I force myself to smile and act happy around others. Being complimented on how "strong" I am seems insulting. I don't feel strong. I feel weak and vulnerable. This all probably seems random and whiney but I don't care. I have no one to share these thoughts with. My person is gone. He's running and doing push-ups. He's working so hard for me and the babies, while I sit here grumbling. I'm so mad at myself for feeling like this. I don't want to be weak. I despise that characteristic.

I went to church tonight in hopes that the message would give me extra strength. Instead I felt alone in a room full of people. All I could think about was how i miss holding his hand in service and him telling me to stop doodling and focus. All I found tonight was emptiness. All I've found all week is emptiness. Maybe when I get a letter from him or his live voice on the phone, I won't feel so empty.

The nights suck.

It's been a couple days since Bryce has left. The days are getting easier, the nights are harder. I miss him. The kids miss him. I knew what we were getting into but the reality is far harder. I've still been working and trying to keep things normal. How can things be normal when a fourth of our lives is gone? I never realized just how much he does for us. It's not the big things I miss, just the little ones. I married him with the expectation to share our lives together and here I sit without an address to send his letters and without him actually here. I know he is there for me and the kids. I know he is providing for us. I know we decided on this together but I was not prepared for it. I can handle the kids on my own. That's the easy part. I can be understanding with them because I know they miss their dad. It's when the babies go to bed and I'm alone. I sit in our bed trying to fill the time until I can finally pass out. I fear falling asleep because what if I have another nightmare or a panic attack and he isn't there to rub my back and remind me to breath. This is the part that sucks. He's there growing and learning so much. He's moving forward in his life. I feel like I'm stuck. It's like life is standing still. I know it's only been a few days and I'm praying many prayers that it gets easier.

BUT

I know I am strong. I can handle this. I can make it through the next 10+ weeks stronger than ever. My relationship with the kids will only grow stronger. My confidence will at an all time high. I'm excited for this adventure, as scary as it is. I've never been more proud of Bryce than I do now. He is so selfless and the best husband/dad ever! He is strictly doing this to better our family situation. We are an Army strong family now. =)

Momma and Tessa Take on Cali!

It's been a while since I've updated so slowly but surely I will get everything caught up!

Back in September of 2014, Tessa and I flew down to Sacramento to visit my mom! It was a great week and exactly what all three of us needed! Here are a few pictures,

We met up with my foreign sister, Iben and went to Old Sacramento. It was a hot sunny day and Tessa loved it!

We took Tessa to my Grandma's grave to meet her. My grandma died when I was just 5 years old. Although she never got my see me grow up or meet my babies, I know she's constantly watched over me. 

I remember going to this same exact McDonald's as a little girl. It was so awesome to take my own little girl there. Even if she couldn't eat much there!

We also did tons of shopping and had lots of down time to just enjoy each others company. Tessa did get to meet lots of her family on my side as well. My grandpa who has never been really involved with the babies in our family fell in love with Tessa!! He held many times and even held her hands while she walked around the living room. It's a precious memory I will never forget. The whole week was a precious memory and I'm so grateful for the opportunity to have able to go!