Please be proud

I recently was in a My Story film at my church. I told my story of how I became a mom so young and how I've grown. I was going to wait to watch until it aired at church this weekend but I went ahead and followed the link posted on facebook and watched it. It was so hard to watch, not because of what was in it but because who wasn't. Bryce didn't get to see me film it. He didn't get to be in it. He doesn't get to see it until after basic. I miss him. I just want to know he's still proud of me. I know his idea of me hasn't changed but I've changed. I've grown in the 4 weeks he's been gone. I've become stronger, more confident, patient. I want him to see it. I want him to look me in the eyes one last time and tell me he's proud of who I've grown into.

Since we married young a lot of people told us that our marriage wouldn't last. We would really grow up and realize we didn't love each other. I'm terrified that will happen to us. We made a pact together that divorce was never on the table. We would never let our marriage get so bad we wanted out. Although there had been times that the talk of a divorce had lingered, we worked our hardest to make things right. Since I've been changing so much in the past 8 months or so and now he's gone to basic and changing so much, I'm very fearful. We have always been together. We went to school together, we worked part-time and spent every moment not working, together. We have been a team, one solid unit, since before Jace was born. And to not have him here this last month when the big changes have been made is hard. I know the changes wouldn't have happened if he hadn't left but I still feel like we are missing out on each others lives.

We will be apart for a grand total of 6 months. I made a list of everything Bryce was going to miss with the kids while he was gone. Jace's 4th birthday. Tessa learning new words and getting a full mouth of teeth. Both kids 100% potty trained. I didn't even think about what he would miss with me. Graduating from Freedom Session. I know it's not school but I've never finished something and had a ceremony before. He's missing our 3 year wedding anniversary. He's missing me stepping up and making some really hard decisions that I usually would have avoided. He's missing seeing me become the mother I always wanted to be but something was just missing and holding me back. How do I make it up to him? How do I give him a piece of all he's missed?

I just feel so crummy tonight. When I'm upset I think and lately thinking has made me just want to put words down and put all those feelings down in black and white. Once they are down, I can leave them there and move forward. I can cry while I write but when the last period  hits the page, I'm done with the sad. I'm done with the negative feelings and I can move on with the night. I know everything is going to be okay.

I know because we are an Army strong family who can make it through.

Sunday's suck.

Tomorrow marks 4 weeks since we started this 25 week long journey. Ya'll are probably tired of hearing my talk about it but, I don't care. I'm so proud and so scared at the same time. That fear of him being gone, me on my own, it hasn't seemed to go away. Sunday's are the worst. I'm so busy all day with church, life group, the kids, waiting for him phone call. When it hits evening time, I'm so exhausted emotionally that I just want to cry and eat buckets of ice cream. Next week will be even harder since it's mother's day. I know it sounds whiny and dumb but since the kids are too young to know it's mother's day and Bryce isn't home to help them, I'll spend the day seeing every other mom's facebook pictures of flowers and chocolates and jewelry and other sweet gifts that someone who loves them, gave them. It hurts. I didn't think it'd bother but the closer it gets, the more it hurts. I just want him home to remind me that I'm loved. I don't want to hear it from everyone else. I want him home to tell me. I want him to hug me and tell me I'm doing a good job and that he's proud of me. Why did God send him at this point in time? Why did he wait til things were practically perfect in our marriage to separate us? Why didn't we get more time to be together? I feel like he left and I'm stuck here picking up the pieces. Trying to hold it together. Tonight I'm full of complaints and tears. Tonight it sucks. But tomorrow is another day. Tomorrow the exhaustion will fade away. 6 more sundays of this and then I'll get to hug him again. I can make it.

My children

My children are already part of the "military children" category. Daddy is gone to be a soldier and mommy is the only one at home to take care of everything. Whenever Jace sees a soldier he tells me (and them usually) that his daddy is gone to be one of them. He told me today that he just has a mommy and I had to quickly remind him that he has a daddy too, he's just gone for a little while. I have to explain to my son why he has to leave his friends and move to another state. Although our move is not required by the military, we need to make it. I have to find good things about moving to another state that Jace will understand. Tessa may be too young to understand but she knows her daddy isn't around anymore. She knows everything is up to Mom.
 Jace gives a lot more hugs and kisses to me and his sister. Maybe he's trying to make sure we know that kisses fix every booboo, even just missing Daddy. That boy has a special light that shines through him. That light of his helped me through a lot when he was just a little baby and it continues to help me today. He has a very strong purpose on this earth. To bring a smile to everyone around him. I'm so thankful God gave us Jace.
  Tessa showers me with kisses and smiles when she notices I'm not in such a happy mood.  She has started to really play with Jace and become "one of the big kids" with him. Tessa can tell when I'm in a crummy mood (usually because she's started tantrums and kicking me while she's getting her diaper changed) No matter what she gives off love. She was kicking the wall of her crib tonight and I went in to get her out and the first thing she did was give me a huge kiss. She knew I was upset and even though I was upset she wasn't sleeping, she wanted to make everything better.
Now, I don't want my children to have a "job", per se. But everyone in a family fills a certain gap. And when you take someone out of that gap, temporarily or permanently, everyone else has to adjust and find a way to be whole. Since Bryce left, I thought it was my job to just fill his missing gap til he returns. But my kids have showed me in their own way that they can help too. They can fill the missing kisses and the missing hugs. They can bring that extra brightness to our home. I am so grateful for my children. I am grateful that Bryce has been able to be home with us as long as he was to help me raise them. I am grateful that he is only gone for a short amount of time. It will be another adjustment when he's done with training, but it will be well welcomed!

Day 5

I've made it through 5 days without my love. 5 days but 6 nights, almost 7 nights. It's been so hard on me and the kids. Jace tells me a few times a day he misses his daddy but he's knows he's going to be a soldier now. Tessa walks around the house calling "dada, dada!!" It breaks my heart to see them miss him so much.

I've been thinking about just how much I miss Bryce. Can it really be that we put so much of our happiness and joy in one person? I mean Bryce leaves and suddenly staying home all day everyday in my sweats seems like an awesome idea. I don't find things as funny anymore. I force myself to smile and act happy around others. Being complimented on how "strong" I am seems insulting. I don't feel strong. I feel weak and vulnerable. This all probably seems random and whiney but I don't care. I have no one to share these thoughts with. My person is gone. He's running and doing push-ups. He's working so hard for me and the babies, while I sit here grumbling. I'm so mad at myself for feeling like this. I don't want to be weak. I despise that characteristic.

I went to church tonight in hopes that the message would give me extra strength. Instead I felt alone in a room full of people. All I could think about was how i miss holding his hand in service and him telling me to stop doodling and focus. All I found tonight was emptiness. All I've found all week is emptiness. Maybe when I get a letter from him or his live voice on the phone, I won't feel so empty.

The nights suck.

It's been a couple days since Bryce has left. The days are getting easier, the nights are harder. I miss him. The kids miss him. I knew what we were getting into but the reality is far harder. I've still been working and trying to keep things normal. How can things be normal when a fourth of our lives is gone? I never realized just how much he does for us. It's not the big things I miss, just the little ones. I married him with the expectation to share our lives together and here I sit without an address to send his letters and without him actually here. I know he is there for me and the kids. I know he is providing for us. I know we decided on this together but I was not prepared for it. I can handle the kids on my own. That's the easy part. I can be understanding with them because I know they miss their dad. It's when the babies go to bed and I'm alone. I sit in our bed trying to fill the time until I can finally pass out. I fear falling asleep because what if I have another nightmare or a panic attack and he isn't there to rub my back and remind me to breath. This is the part that sucks. He's there growing and learning so much. He's moving forward in his life. I feel like I'm stuck. It's like life is standing still. I know it's only been a few days and I'm praying many prayers that it gets easier.

BUT

I know I am strong. I can handle this. I can make it through the next 10+ weeks stronger than ever. My relationship with the kids will only grow stronger. My confidence will at an all time high. I'm excited for this adventure, as scary as it is. I've never been more proud of Bryce than I do now. He is so selfless and the best husband/dad ever! He is strictly doing this to better our family situation. We are an Army strong family now. =)

Momma and Tessa Take on Cali!

It's been a while since I've updated so slowly but surely I will get everything caught up!

Back in September of 2014, Tessa and I flew down to Sacramento to visit my mom! It was a great week and exactly what all three of us needed! Here are a few pictures,

We met up with my foreign sister, Iben and went to Old Sacramento. It was a hot sunny day and Tessa loved it!

We took Tessa to my Grandma's grave to meet her. My grandma died when I was just 5 years old. Although she never got my see me grow up or meet my babies, I know she's constantly watched over me. 

I remember going to this same exact McDonald's as a little girl. It was so awesome to take my own little girl there. Even if she couldn't eat much there!

We also did tons of shopping and had lots of down time to just enjoy each others company. Tessa did get to meet lots of her family on my side as well. My grandpa who has never been really involved with the babies in our family fell in love with Tessa!! He held many times and even held her hands while she walked around the living room. It's a precious memory I will never forget. The whole week was a precious memory and I'm so grateful for the opportunity to have able to go!

Doctor's aren't all that scary

Both kids had a doctors appointment this morning. I was so anxious and nervous about them getting shots and how they would handle being in a new place where they felt very vulnerable. I worried for no reason at all. It took Jace a couple minutes to warm up to his nurse and the nurse practitioner but he ended up loving it there.

He weighs only 27 pounds which puts him in the 10th percentile, which is normal and right along the path he has always been on. He's measured at 3 feet tall. He's growing normal and is advanced in his emotional and mental growth. We always knew our boy was smart but for his doctor to acknowledge it on the first visit was so great for me and Bryce as parent to hear. Jace got only one shot today and he took it like a champ. He was a brave big brother and got his done first. He whimpered a little bit but they became proud of his cool bandaid and ended up telling everyone he saw that he got a shot. haha, funny boy!

Tessa weighs a whole 18 pounds!! That's the 75th percentile! Her height is in the 90th percentile and her head circumference is the 50th percentile. We have a "well proportioned child". haha, Those were the doctor's exact words. Everything else with Tessa is going great. She got 3 shots today. Of course she is now a fussy mess and just wants momma, but hey, what do you except from a 7th month old.

Due to our move and insurance, Tessa is a couple months behind on vaccines which we will be making up for by going back in a month to get another 3-4 shots. As much as it pains me to see her hurt from the shots, I know the pain is only temporary and they will help her in the long run. I would do anything in my power to make sure my kids stay healthy and avoid avoidable diseases.

Hearing that my kids were healthy and normal was such a relief on me. I have been so worried lately because Jace is 3 and not potty trained and I knew the amount he is eating hasn't been as much as I would like. I come out of the office with such pride. As moms, we worry ourselves to death about if we are doing a good enough job at raising our kids. I have been doing a good job in raising my son. I have been doing everything that I can to make sure he grows to be the best version of himself. Since I've been through the baby phase already with Jace I already knew that Tessa was doing exact what she should be. And well, she's a chunk so I know that she's growing properly.

Today was a great day. I may have a fussy baby and a 3 year old who is using his shot like a badge of honor but, they have made me so proud! =)