Both kids had a doctors appointment this morning. I was so anxious and nervous about them getting shots and how they would handle being in a new place where they felt very vulnerable. I worried for no reason at all. It took Jace a couple minutes to warm up to his nurse and the nurse practitioner but he ended up loving it there.
He weighs only 27 pounds which puts him in the 10th percentile, which is normal and right along the path he has always been on. He's measured at 3 feet tall. He's growing normal and is advanced in his emotional and mental growth. We always knew our boy was smart but for his doctor to acknowledge it on the first visit was so great for me and Bryce as parent to hear. Jace got only one shot today and he took it like a champ. He was a brave big brother and got his done first. He whimpered a little bit but they became proud of his cool bandaid and ended up telling everyone he saw that he got a shot. haha, funny boy!
Tessa weighs a whole 18 pounds!! That's the 75th percentile! Her height is in the 90th percentile and her head circumference is the 50th percentile. We have a "well proportioned child". haha, Those were the doctor's exact words. Everything else with Tessa is going great. She got 3 shots today. Of course she is now a fussy mess and just wants momma, but hey, what do you except from a 7th month old.
Due to our move and insurance, Tessa is a couple months behind on vaccines which we will be making up for by going back in a month to get another 3-4 shots. As much as it pains me to see her hurt from the shots, I know the pain is only temporary and they will help her in the long run. I would do anything in my power to make sure my kids stay healthy and avoid avoidable diseases.
Hearing that my kids were healthy and normal was such a relief on me. I have been so worried lately because Jace is 3 and not potty trained and I knew the amount he is eating hasn't been as much as I would like. I come out of the office with such pride. As moms, we worry ourselves to death about if we are doing a good enough job at raising our kids. I have been doing a good job in raising my son. I have been doing everything that I can to make sure he grows to be the best version of himself. Since I've been through the baby phase already with Jace I already knew that Tessa was doing exact what she should be. And well, she's a chunk so I know that she's growing properly.
Today was a great day. I may have a fussy baby and a 3 year old who is using his shot like a badge of honor but, they have made me so proud! =)
Wednesday, August 13, 2014
Sunday, June 29, 2014
Everyone has a story
Everyone has a story. Whether it includes happiness, heartache, joy, sorrow...it's still a story. I've been thinking a lot lately about my life so far. I'm 19 but I've gone through and have done so much. We each have experiences that mold us into who we are. But just because we came from a hard past, doesn't mean our present and future has to be difficult. If you're willing to stick around, here's my story.
I was born in the capital of California. I came from an average family. My mom was the super mom you always hear about. My dad worked hard to provide us with a good life. My siblings are all quite older than me so I spent a lot of time playing by myself or with other friends my age. My parents raised us Mormon. We had family home evening most Monday nights and read our scriptures together whenever we remembered. When I was 8 we moved to little ole Lacey, Washington. I remember telling my friends we were moving because my parents hated the traffic and I had a friend tell me to just move to Orange County. HA! It's funny what we remember from our childhood. =) I liked Washington, minus the loads of rain of course. I made friends right off the bat. I enjoyed to play outside and to go out with friends. Looking from the outside in, you would think I was the typical kid in a middle class family. In 7th grade my mother got very sick. I remember one day seeing my mom laying on the couch crying out in pain. My dad took her to the emergency room and they admitted her to the hospital.The doctor's couldn't figure out what it was. "Maybe it's her gall bladder. Or Maybe it's her appendix." Finally after sending all her chart notes, lab work, and images all up and down the coast, a doctor realized what the problem was. You see, you have a void in your abdomen that usually doesn't cause an issue to your health. But my mom's intestines had gotten kinked up inside that void and was causing her to be in extreme pain and severe dehydration. She was only hours away from dying before this miracle of a doctor saw the issue. They prepped her for surgery and fixed her right up. As most people know, hospitals are walking infections. My mom caught an infection from the hospital and her wound had to be reopened and cleaned out everyday as it healed itself. I cleaned her wound every morning and every evening for months. At 12 years old, I knew it was my job to take care of her and help her get back to full health. You see, my mom and I are as close as it gets. We are very similar and we have this amazing bond between each other.
A few months after my mom's life saving surgery, my dad got fired from his job. This caused extra stress on our family. How would we pay for our house, our food, our cars? At the time I didn't really understand just how much this would change our life but looking back I can see what a life altering thing it was. My dad spent the next 3 or so years bobbing from job to job but with the economy, it was hard to find anything that was permanent.
In 8th grade I met Bryce Gorsuch. I thought he was the weird new kid and wasn't sure if we would become friends. Little did I know he would become my best friend, love of my life, my husband. My freshman year I was very lost. I didn't like school anymore. I wanted to just have fun, get attention from boys, and not care about what anyone thought of me. I made some very poor choices and lost some very good friends. One good choice I made freshman year was to start dating Bryce. He had been there for me through so much. He was there no matter what screw up I made or who I dated. He showed me what true Christ-like love was. I knew from then on I wanted to be a better person. I wanted to do better at school and be a better friend. Little did I know, I was about to become 15, pregnant, and very depressed. I knew I was pregnant as soon as I missed my first period. I kept it in for 2 months. I didn't want to face my mom and tell her I screwed up and was going to be a mom myself. Once I did tell her, I didn't feel any better. She told my siblings and my dad for me. I was so scared my dad would kick me out of the house. He didn't but he was so disappointed in me. My sister and I got into a huge fight over it and we stopped talking for a while. I didn't have any friends. My family was so mad at me. I was alone except for Bryce and our soon to be child. I suffered from anxiety and depression for a little while before I got pregnant. Being pregnant and in such a tough situation just made it even worse. I suffered from multiple panic attacks while pregnant and eventually got on medication to help. The months after having Jace were harder than I ever thought. Yes I had this beautiful new son and a family but we couldn't be together. I had Jace constantly since I wasn't comfortable to be away from him. Bryce wasn't allowed over to my house everyday to help out and I wasn't comfortable being in a home that wasn't mine. Bryce missed out on a lot when Jace was a newborn. I take responsibility for a lot of it. I sometimes have selfish tendencies. Junior year approaches and I'm not looking forward to being at school all day long without my son. My mom was such a blessing and brought him and lunch to me every day. It didn't take away the pain of being gone all day but it made it easier. In November of our junior year, Bryce's dad lost his foot in Afghanistan. Now this next part I haven't many people. Actually, I just told Bryce the truth a couple weeks ago. I dropped out of high school in February, not because I couldn't handle school problems or because I wanted to move on to better things. I dropped out of high school because I was scared that Bryce's family would move across country for treatment and Jace and I would lose Bryce or I would lose both of them. I wanted to drop out so that I could move with them and not be a burden or a problem. My plan was to get a job and start school for Medical Assisting. Bryce's family ended up not moving and I started school a few months later. Things were so hard. Bryce and I took on so much responsibility with his little brothers and trying to raise our son together. It made life very hard for a while. In the moment I was overwhelmed. I had so many emotions running through me and no one to talk to and help me out. Later in the year, Bryce's parents came back to Washington and things we working there way back together.
Bryce and I got married August 31st, 2012. We first moved into my parents downstairs. My dad had very strong feelings of anger toward me and my new little family. He was still mad about me getting pregnant so young. 6 months later, we moved in with Bryce's family to try and alleviate some of the tension between me and my father. Bryce's and mine relationship then took a huge hit. We were arguing all the time. My panic attacks came back and worse. I thought for sure we were headed for divorce. At this time my parents were talking about moving to Texas with my sister. (What I didn't mention earlier was that my sister and I only stopped talking for a few months and then we made up and become closer than ever.) I was about 4 months pregnant with Tessa when Jace and I moved with my parents to Texas. We were apart for only 1 month before Bryce moved down with us. We made things work. We realized that divorce was not an option for us. Our children deserved us to be together and to make things work no matter what. In January of 2014 we welcomed Miss Tessa into our family. While in Texas we didn't go to church. We tried a few different ones but never found the right one that was our home. We soon realized that my parents were going to get a divorce. Their marriage was not full of happiness and love anymore and my mom was waiting on us to move out to leave my dad. Bryce and I talked and decided that we were going to move back to Washington. We didn't have a church in Texas, we didn't feel at home in Texas, and my mom wanted to leave my dad. We had all these good reasons to move but it didn't make it any easier. Moving back to Washington is the first time ever that I haven't lived at the most 5 minutes away from my mom. This is what growing up is I guess.
The morning of our flight back to Washington Bryce's sister was in a major car crash. His parents and brothers flew out there to be with her for a week and then Bryce's dad and brothers came back to Washington. The transition from moving away from my family, moving into a home that's not ours, and taking on a TON of responsibility that we weren't used to, was not easy to put it simply. It's been a couple months now and we have gotten into the groove and gotten the kinks worked out.
If you'd made it this far in my story, you may be wondering, "Why share all this now?" I choose to share my story for me, for others. I share it for me because there is something so therapeutic about getting everything all out there and not keeping any secrets beyond a chosen couple. I share my story for others so that maybe one day someone will read this and see that even when life is hard and you think you've screwed it up. There is a happy ending.
My story isn't over at moving to Washington and having everything finally settle down. My story is just beginning. Stay tuned for the next chapter. ;)
I was born in the capital of California. I came from an average family. My mom was the super mom you always hear about. My dad worked hard to provide us with a good life. My siblings are all quite older than me so I spent a lot of time playing by myself or with other friends my age. My parents raised us Mormon. We had family home evening most Monday nights and read our scriptures together whenever we remembered. When I was 8 we moved to little ole Lacey, Washington. I remember telling my friends we were moving because my parents hated the traffic and I had a friend tell me to just move to Orange County. HA! It's funny what we remember from our childhood. =) I liked Washington, minus the loads of rain of course. I made friends right off the bat. I enjoyed to play outside and to go out with friends. Looking from the outside in, you would think I was the typical kid in a middle class family. In 7th grade my mother got very sick. I remember one day seeing my mom laying on the couch crying out in pain. My dad took her to the emergency room and they admitted her to the hospital.The doctor's couldn't figure out what it was. "Maybe it's her gall bladder. Or Maybe it's her appendix." Finally after sending all her chart notes, lab work, and images all up and down the coast, a doctor realized what the problem was. You see, you have a void in your abdomen that usually doesn't cause an issue to your health. But my mom's intestines had gotten kinked up inside that void and was causing her to be in extreme pain and severe dehydration. She was only hours away from dying before this miracle of a doctor saw the issue. They prepped her for surgery and fixed her right up. As most people know, hospitals are walking infections. My mom caught an infection from the hospital and her wound had to be reopened and cleaned out everyday as it healed itself. I cleaned her wound every morning and every evening for months. At 12 years old, I knew it was my job to take care of her and help her get back to full health. You see, my mom and I are as close as it gets. We are very similar and we have this amazing bond between each other.
A few months after my mom's life saving surgery, my dad got fired from his job. This caused extra stress on our family. How would we pay for our house, our food, our cars? At the time I didn't really understand just how much this would change our life but looking back I can see what a life altering thing it was. My dad spent the next 3 or so years bobbing from job to job but with the economy, it was hard to find anything that was permanent.
In 8th grade I met Bryce Gorsuch. I thought he was the weird new kid and wasn't sure if we would become friends. Little did I know he would become my best friend, love of my life, my husband. My freshman year I was very lost. I didn't like school anymore. I wanted to just have fun, get attention from boys, and not care about what anyone thought of me. I made some very poor choices and lost some very good friends. One good choice I made freshman year was to start dating Bryce. He had been there for me through so much. He was there no matter what screw up I made or who I dated. He showed me what true Christ-like love was. I knew from then on I wanted to be a better person. I wanted to do better at school and be a better friend. Little did I know, I was about to become 15, pregnant, and very depressed. I knew I was pregnant as soon as I missed my first period. I kept it in for 2 months. I didn't want to face my mom and tell her I screwed up and was going to be a mom myself. Once I did tell her, I didn't feel any better. She told my siblings and my dad for me. I was so scared my dad would kick me out of the house. He didn't but he was so disappointed in me. My sister and I got into a huge fight over it and we stopped talking for a while. I didn't have any friends. My family was so mad at me. I was alone except for Bryce and our soon to be child. I suffered from anxiety and depression for a little while before I got pregnant. Being pregnant and in such a tough situation just made it even worse. I suffered from multiple panic attacks while pregnant and eventually got on medication to help. The months after having Jace were harder than I ever thought. Yes I had this beautiful new son and a family but we couldn't be together. I had Jace constantly since I wasn't comfortable to be away from him. Bryce wasn't allowed over to my house everyday to help out and I wasn't comfortable being in a home that wasn't mine. Bryce missed out on a lot when Jace was a newborn. I take responsibility for a lot of it. I sometimes have selfish tendencies. Junior year approaches and I'm not looking forward to being at school all day long without my son. My mom was such a blessing and brought him and lunch to me every day. It didn't take away the pain of being gone all day but it made it easier. In November of our junior year, Bryce's dad lost his foot in Afghanistan. Now this next part I haven't many people. Actually, I just told Bryce the truth a couple weeks ago. I dropped out of high school in February, not because I couldn't handle school problems or because I wanted to move on to better things. I dropped out of high school because I was scared that Bryce's family would move across country for treatment and Jace and I would lose Bryce or I would lose both of them. I wanted to drop out so that I could move with them and not be a burden or a problem. My plan was to get a job and start school for Medical Assisting. Bryce's family ended up not moving and I started school a few months later. Things were so hard. Bryce and I took on so much responsibility with his little brothers and trying to raise our son together. It made life very hard for a while. In the moment I was overwhelmed. I had so many emotions running through me and no one to talk to and help me out. Later in the year, Bryce's parents came back to Washington and things we working there way back together.
Bryce and I got married August 31st, 2012. We first moved into my parents downstairs. My dad had very strong feelings of anger toward me and my new little family. He was still mad about me getting pregnant so young. 6 months later, we moved in with Bryce's family to try and alleviate some of the tension between me and my father. Bryce's and mine relationship then took a huge hit. We were arguing all the time. My panic attacks came back and worse. I thought for sure we were headed for divorce. At this time my parents were talking about moving to Texas with my sister. (What I didn't mention earlier was that my sister and I only stopped talking for a few months and then we made up and become closer than ever.) I was about 4 months pregnant with Tessa when Jace and I moved with my parents to Texas. We were apart for only 1 month before Bryce moved down with us. We made things work. We realized that divorce was not an option for us. Our children deserved us to be together and to make things work no matter what. In January of 2014 we welcomed Miss Tessa into our family. While in Texas we didn't go to church. We tried a few different ones but never found the right one that was our home. We soon realized that my parents were going to get a divorce. Their marriage was not full of happiness and love anymore and my mom was waiting on us to move out to leave my dad. Bryce and I talked and decided that we were going to move back to Washington. We didn't have a church in Texas, we didn't feel at home in Texas, and my mom wanted to leave my dad. We had all these good reasons to move but it didn't make it any easier. Moving back to Washington is the first time ever that I haven't lived at the most 5 minutes away from my mom. This is what growing up is I guess.
The morning of our flight back to Washington Bryce's sister was in a major car crash. His parents and brothers flew out there to be with her for a week and then Bryce's dad and brothers came back to Washington. The transition from moving away from my family, moving into a home that's not ours, and taking on a TON of responsibility that we weren't used to, was not easy to put it simply. It's been a couple months now and we have gotten into the groove and gotten the kinks worked out.
If you'd made it this far in my story, you may be wondering, "Why share all this now?" I choose to share my story for me, for others. I share it for me because there is something so therapeutic about getting everything all out there and not keeping any secrets beyond a chosen couple. I share my story for others so that maybe one day someone will read this and see that even when life is hard and you think you've screwed it up. There is a happy ending.
My story isn't over at moving to Washington and having everything finally settle down. My story is just beginning. Stay tuned for the next chapter. ;)
Thursday, May 22, 2014
Home Sweet Home
Well we have moved back to Washington and are getting settled in. Bryce is still trying to enlist with the US Army but for whatever reason it has become a difficult road with the paperwork. Jace has just about gotten over his terrible two's (crossed fingers!!) He is happy everyday without fail. Unless he's hungry or tired. Tessa is growing like a weed! This girl has more chunk than any baby I've met. Not much else has been going on. I feel like our life has hit a little bit of a boring path. But that just means something big is about to happen and I promise to blog all about it when it does. =)
Sunday, April 27, 2014
So Little Time So Many Things!
Wow! So much has changed since I posted last! Almost 2 months later and everything is good again! Alright so a quick update on everyone.
Bryce: We are still patiently waiting to hear back from the Marine Corps for his discharge papers. As hard as it is to wait, we know this is the best thing for our family and it is Bryce's dream to serve his country the same way his father has for almost 20 years! Bryce has also quit at Marco's Pizza in preparation for our move. He hopes to get a job at the movie theater back home in Lacey before he ships out. While I was working at Target, Bryce took on the job of stay at home dad. My goodness is he the best daddy ever!! The kids loved getting to spend special time with daddy and since dad does things a little different, they got to have a change of life!
Jace: He has so much energy all the time! He has definitely showed us he is not a morning person. He will sleep in until 10am and LOVES to stay up late and have special mommy/daddy time. Right now, I'm okay with it. When we move back home to Washington I plan on getting his schedule back to 8:30pm bedtime and 8:30am wake up time! He has grown into the best big brother to Tessa. He loves to hold her, play with her, give her hugs and kisses, and even help us change and feed her! Currently anything that has to do with pirates or cars is his favorite thing! He even thinks that coins are gold deblooms just like in the show Jake and the Neverland Pirates. He daily makes me grateful to have such a sweet and loving son.
Tessa: My goodness this girl is a riot!! She is so funny and full of excitement! She loves to do baby yoga and keep her feet up in the air when she lays on her back. She also loves to sit up and to stand. She is going to be an early walker!! We have tried solid food once so far and she was not a fan!! Silly girl. =) She is constantly making us smile and laugh. Her bright blue eyes and dimpled cheeks could make even the grumpiest person smile.
Emily: I have gotten on medication for my postpartum depression and life is so much better! The kids are no longer overwhelming. I'm able to play with them and not become overly exhausted. I also went back to work for a short period of time. I thought getting out of the house and away from the kids for a few hours was just what I needed and come to find out, I was so wrong. My babies are the reason why I wake up in the morning and push through everyday. They needed me home just as much as I needed them. Unfortunately due to the car accident I was forced to quit sooner than planned. Which is just fine for me! I love being able to be with the kids all day and cook and clean for them.
Almost 2 weeks ago we were involved in a car accident. I had pulled out of a parking spot and although when I looked over my shoulder and saw no one there, someone was driving down the road. He hit me on the back bumper and caused me to hit my head against the steering wheel and blackout momentarily. The kids were screaming and terrified but they were unharmed. Bryce was also unharmed expect for a sore neck. I was checked out by the fireman and the paramedics and was advised to go to the hospital. Oh joy! It was my first car accident and my first time in an ambulance. I was terrified. I was alone. Bryce stayed back with the kids and waited for my dad to pick them up and handle the paperwork and cops and whatnot. On our way to the hospital, the pain in my neck and back increased immensely. I was put in a neck brace and even lifted from the ambulance gurney onto the hospital bed. That part wasn't so bad. The male nurse and one of the paramedics were extremely good looking and it was a nice piece of sugar in a bitter experience. As I got checked out by the nurses and then finally the doctor, they ordered a head scan, ct scan, and an x ray. I laid in my hospital room by myself for what felt like hours before they finally came and wheeled to radiology. Now a couple years ago my mom bought me a necklace that was a heart and on it says " I am always with you. Be brave. Have courage. Love Life." I have worn that necklace everyday since she gave it to me. Laying in the hospital bed alone and in so much pain, I ran my hands over this necklace many times. "I am always with you. Be brave. Have courage. Love life" The guardian angel that was looking out for my family in the accident was with me in the hospital. I was not alone. I was brave enough to go through this awful experience and I had courage to do what I needed to do. I got all my scans done and as I was getting wheeled back to my room, I kept praying that Bryce would be there waiting for me. As we rolled around the corner I heard the laughter of my baby boy. Thank goodness! I burst into tears as I realized that not only was Bryce there but so were my kids and my dad. Hearing Jace's laugh made me feel so much better. He was okay. Tessa was still a little shaken up and it hurt too bad to hold her but she was unharmed! My mom finally came to the hospital and her and my dad took the kids home. Bryce stayed with me and was my anchor in such a choppy storm. I am so grateful to him. He took care of the kids while I was getting medical attention. He helped me in the hospital while we waited for results. He helped me at home and made sure that I was comfortable and wasn't in too much pain. After waiting for a while, the doctor came in and let me know that everything was clean. No breaks. No inner swelling. No internal bleeding. No concussion (which was a misdiagnoses!!) The only thing was my back and neck were strained/sprained. I was given a prescription for pain meds and a muscle relaxant and was told to take things really easy. Now, back to that concussion. I've had one before and I know what they feel like. Even if it didn't show up on the scans, the next day I could tell I had had a concussion. 2 weeks later and I have a horrible headache and I get dizzy/disorianted super easy. The kids aren't scared to ride in the car which is something I was so scared of! I am so grateful they were not really affected by the accident. It's been just about 2 weeks and everything is back to normal. The kids are great and so is Bryce. I am still in a fair amount of pain but each day gets a little better. We just have to take one foot in front of the other and everything will be perfect!
Bryce: We are still patiently waiting to hear back from the Marine Corps for his discharge papers. As hard as it is to wait, we know this is the best thing for our family and it is Bryce's dream to serve his country the same way his father has for almost 20 years! Bryce has also quit at Marco's Pizza in preparation for our move. He hopes to get a job at the movie theater back home in Lacey before he ships out. While I was working at Target, Bryce took on the job of stay at home dad. My goodness is he the best daddy ever!! The kids loved getting to spend special time with daddy and since dad does things a little different, they got to have a change of life!
Jace: He has so much energy all the time! He has definitely showed us he is not a morning person. He will sleep in until 10am and LOVES to stay up late and have special mommy/daddy time. Right now, I'm okay with it. When we move back home to Washington I plan on getting his schedule back to 8:30pm bedtime and 8:30am wake up time! He has grown into the best big brother to Tessa. He loves to hold her, play with her, give her hugs and kisses, and even help us change and feed her! Currently anything that has to do with pirates or cars is his favorite thing! He even thinks that coins are gold deblooms just like in the show Jake and the Neverland Pirates. He daily makes me grateful to have such a sweet and loving son.
Tessa: My goodness this girl is a riot!! She is so funny and full of excitement! She loves to do baby yoga and keep her feet up in the air when she lays on her back. She also loves to sit up and to stand. She is going to be an early walker!! We have tried solid food once so far and she was not a fan!! Silly girl. =) She is constantly making us smile and laugh. Her bright blue eyes and dimpled cheeks could make even the grumpiest person smile.
Emily: I have gotten on medication for my postpartum depression and life is so much better! The kids are no longer overwhelming. I'm able to play with them and not become overly exhausted. I also went back to work for a short period of time. I thought getting out of the house and away from the kids for a few hours was just what I needed and come to find out, I was so wrong. My babies are the reason why I wake up in the morning and push through everyday. They needed me home just as much as I needed them. Unfortunately due to the car accident I was forced to quit sooner than planned. Which is just fine for me! I love being able to be with the kids all day and cook and clean for them.
Almost 2 weeks ago we were involved in a car accident. I had pulled out of a parking spot and although when I looked over my shoulder and saw no one there, someone was driving down the road. He hit me on the back bumper and caused me to hit my head against the steering wheel and blackout momentarily. The kids were screaming and terrified but they were unharmed. Bryce was also unharmed expect for a sore neck. I was checked out by the fireman and the paramedics and was advised to go to the hospital. Oh joy! It was my first car accident and my first time in an ambulance. I was terrified. I was alone. Bryce stayed back with the kids and waited for my dad to pick them up and handle the paperwork and cops and whatnot. On our way to the hospital, the pain in my neck and back increased immensely. I was put in a neck brace and even lifted from the ambulance gurney onto the hospital bed. That part wasn't so bad. The male nurse and one of the paramedics were extremely good looking and it was a nice piece of sugar in a bitter experience. As I got checked out by the nurses and then finally the doctor, they ordered a head scan, ct scan, and an x ray. I laid in my hospital room by myself for what felt like hours before they finally came and wheeled to radiology. Now a couple years ago my mom bought me a necklace that was a heart and on it says " I am always with you. Be brave. Have courage. Love Life." I have worn that necklace everyday since she gave it to me. Laying in the hospital bed alone and in so much pain, I ran my hands over this necklace many times. "I am always with you. Be brave. Have courage. Love life" The guardian angel that was looking out for my family in the accident was with me in the hospital. I was not alone. I was brave enough to go through this awful experience and I had courage to do what I needed to do. I got all my scans done and as I was getting wheeled back to my room, I kept praying that Bryce would be there waiting for me. As we rolled around the corner I heard the laughter of my baby boy. Thank goodness! I burst into tears as I realized that not only was Bryce there but so were my kids and my dad. Hearing Jace's laugh made me feel so much better. He was okay. Tessa was still a little shaken up and it hurt too bad to hold her but she was unharmed! My mom finally came to the hospital and her and my dad took the kids home. Bryce stayed with me and was my anchor in such a choppy storm. I am so grateful to him. He took care of the kids while I was getting medical attention. He helped me in the hospital while we waited for results. He helped me at home and made sure that I was comfortable and wasn't in too much pain. After waiting for a while, the doctor came in and let me know that everything was clean. No breaks. No inner swelling. No internal bleeding. No concussion (which was a misdiagnoses!!) The only thing was my back and neck were strained/sprained. I was given a prescription for pain meds and a muscle relaxant and was told to take things really easy. Now, back to that concussion. I've had one before and I know what they feel like. Even if it didn't show up on the scans, the next day I could tell I had had a concussion. 2 weeks later and I have a horrible headache and I get dizzy/disorianted super easy. The kids aren't scared to ride in the car which is something I was so scared of! I am so grateful they were not really affected by the accident. It's been just about 2 weeks and everything is back to normal. The kids are great and so is Bryce. I am still in a fair amount of pain but each day gets a little better. We just have to take one foot in front of the other and everything will be perfect!
Sunday, March 9, 2014
Not Going to Lie
I've been very stressed lately. I'm having post postpartum anxiety and depression. Yes, I admit it. It is out there. Plain as day. I have postpartum anxiety and depression. I struggled with it after I had Jace and I am struggling with it after having Tessa. I have yet to go to the doctor and get back on medication for it but I am working through this little bit of difficulty on my own, for now at least. Life is hard. I know I was never promised an easy life but I feel like I was at least promised with some relief from the hard stuff sometimes. I feel like I'm drowning. I feel like everything is too hard and too overwhelming. I am lucky to have a great husband who understands this and is doing everything is his power to help me. He even offered to me an opportunity to find a job I love, get out of the house during the day, and he can be a stay-at-home dad until he leaves for basic. This coming from the man who told me the day before he never wanted to be home with the kids 24/7. Talk about amazing!
I was so young when I had Jace. I got pregnant at 15, had him at 16. I was in shock for most of my pregnancy. It was such a new concept to me. Most of my friends had left me when they found out I was having a baby. It was a hard time. Probably the hardest time of my life. I suffered with pp depression after he was born. I got to a point where I didn't want to live anymore. Life hurt too bad and I didn't know how to make anything better. I felt inadequate as a mother, as a girlfriend, as a daughter. I felt such guilt for being a teen mother. In time I got help and got better. Life got better and bearable. I found going to church with people who loved me helped TONS! I forgave myself for getting pregnant so young. Once I did that it was as if the sun had risen for the first time on such a long time for me. I was happy. I was able to really enjoy being a mom. Things were going so great Bryce and I talked about having another baby. Now we didn't exactly plan on getting pregnant as soon as we did with Tessa. But nonetheless, we wanted to grow our family.
My pregnancy with Tessa was awful. It was stressful and hard being pregnant and having a rowdy two year old. I was in such constant pain from my hips and ligaments. I was wrongly diagnosed with an abdominal hernia. I spent months being cautious about what I lifted and how I moved. I was terrified I'd have to have surgery and I'd lose the baby. Come to find out when I was about 6 months pregnant it was not a hernia but just a stressed ligament. Awesome. So then I had one less worry. I didn't feel a connection with Tessa when I was pregnant with her. It was as if she was someone else's baby that I was carrying. I hated myself for that. I hated that I couldn't figure out a way to bond with my unborn baby. Her kicks seemed like annoyances rather than a miracle. Hearing her heartbeat didn't make me smile, it was just noise. It wasn't until about a month before she was born that I felt any sort of connection with her. That was about the time I realized that I would have a new baby to hold soon. A new baby to not make the same mistakes I did with Jace. A new little life to love and to be loved by. I finally bonded with her! Now looking back I feel ashamed that I didn't enjoy being pregnant with her. I am ashamed that I didn't allow myself to fully love her earlier. There is nothing I can do about it but love her to the fullest and make sure she knows it. That is the honest truth.
Now that I have a two year old boy and a two month old girl, life is crazy. I spend my days changing diapers, cleaning, cooking, and feeding babies. Jace is in his terrible twos and in full force. I daily feel like I'm about to breakdown and call it quits. Yesterday was one of those days. I spent the day with my sister, her baby boy, my mom, and Tessa. Bryce had Jace at home. It was nice and relaxing to only have to worry about a little baby who only wants food, a diaper change, and to be held. I could put her in her carseat and not have to worry about her walking off or grabbing things and putting it in a different place. I still missed Jace but I got to take a deep breath from him for a little while. I come home from my day out and Jace runs up to me and gives me a great big hug. I loved it! He was happy to see me. At least he was for a little while. Dinner went alright. He didn't eat much but that's not new news. He played with his sister for a little while. And then all hell broke lose. He screamed at me, had an attitude with me, even threw fits when he didn't get his way. My sweet little man turned mean and rude. I know this is just the age and he's trying to figure out his own way in the world but this hurts.
So I'm not going to lie, life kinda sucks right now. I wish some things were different. I wish I was a little different. But I will survive. I will make it through this stage and I will see brighter days.
I was so young when I had Jace. I got pregnant at 15, had him at 16. I was in shock for most of my pregnancy. It was such a new concept to me. Most of my friends had left me when they found out I was having a baby. It was a hard time. Probably the hardest time of my life. I suffered with pp depression after he was born. I got to a point where I didn't want to live anymore. Life hurt too bad and I didn't know how to make anything better. I felt inadequate as a mother, as a girlfriend, as a daughter. I felt such guilt for being a teen mother. In time I got help and got better. Life got better and bearable. I found going to church with people who loved me helped TONS! I forgave myself for getting pregnant so young. Once I did that it was as if the sun had risen for the first time on such a long time for me. I was happy. I was able to really enjoy being a mom. Things were going so great Bryce and I talked about having another baby. Now we didn't exactly plan on getting pregnant as soon as we did with Tessa. But nonetheless, we wanted to grow our family.
My pregnancy with Tessa was awful. It was stressful and hard being pregnant and having a rowdy two year old. I was in such constant pain from my hips and ligaments. I was wrongly diagnosed with an abdominal hernia. I spent months being cautious about what I lifted and how I moved. I was terrified I'd have to have surgery and I'd lose the baby. Come to find out when I was about 6 months pregnant it was not a hernia but just a stressed ligament. Awesome. So then I had one less worry. I didn't feel a connection with Tessa when I was pregnant with her. It was as if she was someone else's baby that I was carrying. I hated myself for that. I hated that I couldn't figure out a way to bond with my unborn baby. Her kicks seemed like annoyances rather than a miracle. Hearing her heartbeat didn't make me smile, it was just noise. It wasn't until about a month before she was born that I felt any sort of connection with her. That was about the time I realized that I would have a new baby to hold soon. A new baby to not make the same mistakes I did with Jace. A new little life to love and to be loved by. I finally bonded with her! Now looking back I feel ashamed that I didn't enjoy being pregnant with her. I am ashamed that I didn't allow myself to fully love her earlier. There is nothing I can do about it but love her to the fullest and make sure she knows it. That is the honest truth.
Now that I have a two year old boy and a two month old girl, life is crazy. I spend my days changing diapers, cleaning, cooking, and feeding babies. Jace is in his terrible twos and in full force. I daily feel like I'm about to breakdown and call it quits. Yesterday was one of those days. I spent the day with my sister, her baby boy, my mom, and Tessa. Bryce had Jace at home. It was nice and relaxing to only have to worry about a little baby who only wants food, a diaper change, and to be held. I could put her in her carseat and not have to worry about her walking off or grabbing things and putting it in a different place. I still missed Jace but I got to take a deep breath from him for a little while. I come home from my day out and Jace runs up to me and gives me a great big hug. I loved it! He was happy to see me. At least he was for a little while. Dinner went alright. He didn't eat much but that's not new news. He played with his sister for a little while. And then all hell broke lose. He screamed at me, had an attitude with me, even threw fits when he didn't get his way. My sweet little man turned mean and rude. I know this is just the age and he's trying to figure out his own way in the world but this hurts.
So I'm not going to lie, life kinda sucks right now. I wish some things were different. I wish I was a little different. But I will survive. I will make it through this stage and I will see brighter days.
Tuesday, February 4, 2014
Binky Fairy
We tried a few months ago to get Jace to give up his binky. I never wanted my 2 year old to have a binky. I never even wanted my one year old to have one. But life happens and we just never got around to taking it away from him. When we first tried to take the binky away, Jace was a mess. He cried for hours at night and screamed "binky!!! mommy, binky!!!" It was hard on all of us. He threw outrageous fits all day long and the only way to calm him down was to put him in a cold shower which I hated doing but it was the absolute only thing to snap him outta the uncontrollable cycle he was in. Yesterday we decided to send his binkies to the "binky fairy". Jace was really excited about tying his binkies to a balloon and letting them float up in the sky. Too bad we never got the chance! Jace managed to lose both binkies we had. So no binky fairy but Jace also didn't get any new binkies to replace his old ones. Nap time is hard for Jace without a binky but it can only get better from here! Bed time on the other hand wasn't so bad last night. He cried for a little bit and then fell asleep. Jace did wake up an hour after going to bed and sat on the couch with us for only 5 minutes before returning to bed and going to sleep for the night. We finally got rid of the binky! I could not be more proud of my little man!
Saturday, February 1, 2014
Smile Through the Storm
I have to admit, I was SUPER excited to move to Texas last summer. It was supposed to be a new start for me, for my kids, for my marriage. Everything was going to be great, I just knew it. The 5 day drive from Washington to Dallas was the best. Jace did perfect minus getting super car sick the first day or so. I got to see family that I haven't seen in a long time. My nausea from being in my first trimester/second trimester was subsiding. Bryce didn't move with us right away. Things weren't the best in our relationship but we had been in a much worse situation and gotten through. The plan was for me and Jace to move with my parents so that we could settle while Bryce worked out and got into the military. One month after I got to Texas, Bryce moved down as well. We both left his family, our friends, a place where all our memories were. Washington was were we met, where we went to school together, where we had Jace, where we got married. Washington is our home and we left it behind to have a better life in Texas. Bryce was supposed to leave the beginning of December for boot camp with the USMC. Tessa was due the first of the year. Texas was supposed to make things better. Now, don't get me wrong Texas does bring me close to my parents and my sister. I was able to be there for my sister when she had my nephew. But I didn't sign up to be alone here. I have my husband, my parents, my sister, and my brother-in-law but that's it. I feel so alone here. The people I was close to from back home no longer speak to me even when I try to initiate the conversation. Now, I'm sure those reading this are like "Boohoo. Poor Emily. All alone in a new place." I knew it would be hard at first to be here but I didn't think it'd take such a toll on me. I see no point in trying to make new friends here when I'll be moving soon with no future plans of moving back here. I guess what I'm getting at is I wish things were easier and I wish I didn't feel so lonely when I have the most important people around me. I wish things were different and I wish time would fast forward a little bit so we could move on with our lives. Maybe someday my wishes will come true. Until then, I'll smile through this storm because I know once it subsides I'll have an even brighter time!
Wednesday, January 22, 2014
I am lucky.
Tessa is 2 weeks old today. She is such a joy in our lives! Every other night seems to be a challenge but oddly enough I don't mind missing out on sleep to take care of my daughter. She is starting to smile at us and "talk". We got the go ahead to let her sleep as long as she likes at night and Bryce and I both could not be happier to not have to set our alarm to wake us up every 3 hours to feed her. =) Jace is a great big brother. He loves his sister and gets so excited each time he gets to help feeding her or holding her. He hasn't learned just yet that he has to use an inside voice now but I know he'll get it soon.
After I had Jace I didn't have an issue right away with how my body looked. I had more weight around my hips, stretch marks on my belly, and I wasn't the skinniest thing around my belly. It never bothered me that I didn't have the perfect body anymore or that I would never wear a bikini again. For some reason I've been having a hard time with my body image since having Tessa. I hate that my belly is bigger than I want. I still have stretch marks. I'm even counting down the days until I can start working out. (28 days!!) Tonight I was Pinterest looking at postpartum tips and tricks of every kind. I came across this picture of a women's belly. It was full of stretch marks and beside it wrote, "For every woman unhappy with her postpartum marks, is another who wishes she had them." This got me thinking. I am lucky to have been given the chance to grow two children inside me. I am lucky that I have these marks because it means my body grew and stretched to great lengths to give my babies a home until they were ready to meet this world. I struggled with postpartum anxiety and depression after having Jace and I worry that I'll struggle with it again this time around. I need to keep reminding myself that I am lucky. There are so many women out there who would make amazing mothers but for some reason God has not gifted them the opportunity to bare child. I am lucky I was given the chance to carrying my two babies. Yes, my body may not be the most pleasing to the eyes but it was my children's home and those marks are a reminder to me that I'm lucky.
After I had Jace I didn't have an issue right away with how my body looked. I had more weight around my hips, stretch marks on my belly, and I wasn't the skinniest thing around my belly. It never bothered me that I didn't have the perfect body anymore or that I would never wear a bikini again. For some reason I've been having a hard time with my body image since having Tessa. I hate that my belly is bigger than I want. I still have stretch marks. I'm even counting down the days until I can start working out. (28 days!!) Tonight I was Pinterest looking at postpartum tips and tricks of every kind. I came across this picture of a women's belly. It was full of stretch marks and beside it wrote, "For every woman unhappy with her postpartum marks, is another who wishes she had them." This got me thinking. I am lucky to have been given the chance to grow two children inside me. I am lucky that I have these marks because it means my body grew and stretched to great lengths to give my babies a home until they were ready to meet this world. I struggled with postpartum anxiety and depression after having Jace and I worry that I'll struggle with it again this time around. I need to keep reminding myself that I am lucky. There are so many women out there who would make amazing mothers but for some reason God has not gifted them the opportunity to bare child. I am lucky I was given the chance to carrying my two babies. Yes, my body may not be the most pleasing to the eyes but it was my children's home and those marks are a reminder to me that I'm lucky.
Tuesday, January 14, 2014
Welcome to the World Baby Tessa!
On January 8th, at 10:32am, Tessa Ivie Lynn joined our family. She weighed 7 pounds and 11 ounces and was 19 3/4 inches long. She is perfect in every way!!
We had waited for this beautiful girl to arrive for a long time. I was one week overdue before I got induced and it couldn't have come any faster!! We checked into the hospital at 7am. I made the mistake of not taking a tour of the hospital before hand so we had pretty much no clue as to where to go! It was kinda embarrassing. Once we found where we needed to go we got put into what they called the nicest delivery room. (Same thing happened when I went into labor with jace. ;) lucky me!) After an hour of paperwork, vital sign checks, and an IV put in, they started the Pitocin! That instantly put my contractions at uncomfortable every 5 minutes. Perfect right? Labor is going, things are good. Well my doctor said "lets step it up another notch and break your water!" I was thinking in mind that he better not go too far away because with Jace, once my water broke it wasn't long before he arrived! So Pitocin at 8, water broken at 830. I started pushing at 10:25am and with a push and a half Miss Tessa arrived. =) My doctor actually almost missed the delivery. The nurse wanted me to do a practice push to see how fast we needed the doctor and she was like "oh! better get him here asap!!" Talk about an easy labor right?! I definitely got lucky with my labor which is good because if I had a tough time after having such a tough pregnancy, I don't know if I would ever consider having more kids!
Not that there was anything wrong with Tessa, she was healthy, I told Bryce he had to stay by her side no matter what. So while she got measured, bathed, and looked at Bryce was right there by her side so she knew that her daddy was around. =) Tessa also decided that since we had pretty much forced her to come that she needed to let us know all about it! She cried almost nonstop for the first 2 hours of her life. Since she came so fast her body didn't have the proper time to adjust to life outside of the womb, her sinuses were FULL of amniotic fluid which caused her to snort and snore and breath funny. There wasn't much we could do for her for it other than wait for it to clear up on its own. We did end up trying saline drops in each nostril and that helped her out TONS!
Jace had stayed with my sister and her husband while we were in the hospital so later that afternoon they brought him by the hospital and Jace got to meet his little sister. =) He was excited for the first few minutes and then he was ready to go play with toys.
Having two children at home now is trying at times but I am so happy that my family is complete and we are all healthy. =)
Not that there was anything wrong with Tessa, she was healthy, I told Bryce he had to stay by her side no matter what. So while she got measured, bathed, and looked at Bryce was right there by her side so she knew that her daddy was around. =) Tessa also decided that since we had pretty much forced her to come that she needed to let us know all about it! She cried almost nonstop for the first 2 hours of her life. Since she came so fast her body didn't have the proper time to adjust to life outside of the womb, her sinuses were FULL of amniotic fluid which caused her to snort and snore and breath funny. There wasn't much we could do for her for it other than wait for it to clear up on its own. We did end up trying saline drops in each nostril and that helped her out TONS!
Jace had stayed with my sister and her husband while we were in the hospital so later that afternoon they brought him by the hospital and Jace got to meet his little sister. =) He was excited for the first few minutes and then he was ready to go play with toys.
Having two children at home now is trying at times but I am so happy that my family is complete and we are all healthy. =)
My mom loves being a Grandmama to so many kids now.
Daddy's and their babies. The cousins are only 6 weeks apart.
All ready to go home! Yes she has little shoes on. =)
And she's out for the count!
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