Not Going to Lie

I've been very stressed lately. I'm having post postpartum anxiety and depression. Yes, I admit it. It is out there. Plain as day. I have postpartum anxiety and depression. I struggled with it after I had Jace and I am struggling with it after having Tessa. I have yet to go to the doctor and get back on medication for it but I am working through this little bit of difficulty on my own, for now at least. Life is hard. I know I was never promised an easy life but I feel like I was at least promised with some relief from the hard stuff sometimes. I feel like I'm drowning. I feel like everything is too hard and too overwhelming. I am lucky to have a great husband who understands this and is doing everything is his power to help me. He even offered to me an opportunity to find a job I love, get out of the house during the day, and he can be a stay-at-home dad until he leaves for basic. This coming from the man who told me the day before he never wanted to be home with the kids 24/7. Talk about amazing!
I was so young when I had Jace. I got pregnant at 15, had him at 16. I was in shock for most of my pregnancy. It was such a new concept to me. Most of my friends had left me when they found out I was having a baby. It was a hard time. Probably the hardest time of my life. I suffered with pp depression after he was born. I got to a point where I didn't want to live anymore. Life hurt too bad and I didn't know how to make anything better. I felt inadequate as a mother, as a girlfriend, as a daughter. I felt such guilt for being a teen mother. In time I got help and got better. Life got better and bearable. I found going to church with people who loved me helped TONS! I forgave myself for getting pregnant so young. Once I did that it was as if the sun had risen for the first time on such a long time for me. I was happy. I was able to really enjoy being a mom. Things were going so great Bryce and I talked about having another baby. Now we didn't exactly plan on getting pregnant as soon as we did with Tessa. But nonetheless, we wanted to grow our family.
My pregnancy with Tessa was awful. It was stressful and hard being pregnant and having a rowdy two year old. I was in such constant pain from my hips and ligaments. I was wrongly diagnosed with an abdominal hernia. I spent months being cautious about what I lifted and how I moved. I was terrified I'd have to have surgery and I'd lose the baby. Come to find out when I was about 6 months pregnant it was not a hernia but just a stressed ligament. Awesome. So then I had one less worry.  I didn't feel a connection with Tessa when I was pregnant with her. It was as if she was someone else's baby that I was carrying. I hated myself for that. I hated that I couldn't figure out a way to bond with my unborn baby. Her kicks seemed like annoyances rather than a miracle. Hearing her heartbeat didn't make me smile, it was just noise. It wasn't until about a month before she was born that I felt any sort of connection with her. That was about the time I realized that I would have a new baby to hold soon. A new baby to not make the same mistakes I did with Jace. A new little life to love and to be loved by. I finally bonded with her! Now looking back I feel ashamed that I didn't enjoy being pregnant with her. I am ashamed that I didn't allow myself to fully love her earlier. There is nothing I can do about it but love her to the fullest and make sure she knows it. That is the honest truth.
Now that I have a two year old boy and a two month old girl, life is crazy. I spend my days changing diapers, cleaning, cooking, and feeding babies. Jace is in his terrible twos and in full force. I daily feel like I'm about to breakdown and call it quits. Yesterday was one of those days. I spent the day with my sister, her baby boy, my mom, and Tessa. Bryce had Jace at home. It was nice and relaxing to only have to worry about a little baby who only wants food, a diaper change, and to be held. I could put her in her carseat and not have to worry about her walking off or grabbing things and putting it in a different place. I still missed Jace but I got to take a deep breath from him for a little while. I come home from my day out and Jace runs up to me and gives me a great big hug. I loved it! He was happy to see me. At least he was for a little while. Dinner went alright. He didn't eat much but that's not new news. He played with his sister for a little while. And then all hell broke lose. He screamed at me, had an attitude with me, even threw fits when he didn't get his way. My sweet little man turned mean and rude. I know this is just the age and he's trying to figure out his own way in the world but this hurts.
So I'm not going to lie, life kinda sucks right now. I wish some things were different. I wish I was a little different. But I will survive. I will make it through this stage and I will see brighter days.

Binky Fairy

We tried a few months ago to get Jace to give up his binky. I never wanted my 2 year old to have a binky. I never even wanted my one year old to have one. But life happens and we just never got around to taking it away from him. When we first tried to take the binky away, Jace was a mess. He cried for hours at night and screamed "binky!!! mommy, binky!!!" It was hard on all of us. He threw outrageous fits all day long and the only way to calm him down was to put him in a cold shower which I hated doing but it was the absolute only thing to snap him outta the uncontrollable cycle he was in. Yesterday we decided to send his binkies to the "binky fairy". Jace was really excited about tying his binkies to a balloon and letting them float up in the sky. Too bad we never got the chance! Jace managed to lose both binkies we had. So no binky fairy but Jace also didn't get any new binkies to replace his old ones. Nap time is hard for Jace without a binky but it can only get better from here! Bed time on the other hand wasn't so bad last night. He cried for a little bit and then fell asleep. Jace did wake up an hour after going to bed and sat on the couch with us for only 5 minutes before returning to bed and going to sleep for the night. We finally got rid of the binky! I could not be more proud of my little man!

Smile Through the Storm

I have to admit, I was SUPER excited to move to Texas last summer. It was supposed to be a new start for me, for my kids, for my marriage. Everything was going to be great, I just knew it. The 5 day drive from Washington to Dallas was the best. Jace did perfect minus getting super car sick the first day or so. I got to see family that I haven't seen in a long time. My nausea from being in my first trimester/second trimester was subsiding. Bryce didn't move with us right away. Things weren't the best in our relationship but we had been in a much worse situation and gotten through. The plan was for me and Jace to move with my parents so that we could settle while Bryce worked out and got into the military. One month after I got to Texas, Bryce moved down as well. We both left his family, our friends, a place where all our memories were. Washington was were we met, where we went to school together, where we had Jace, where we got married. Washington is our home and we left it behind to have a better life in Texas. Bryce was supposed to leave the beginning of December for boot camp with the USMC. Tessa was due the first of the year. Texas was supposed to make things better. Now, don't get me wrong Texas does bring me close to my parents and my sister. I was able to be there for my sister when she had my nephew. But I didn't sign up to be alone here. I have my husband, my parents, my sister, and my brother-in-law but that's it. I feel so alone here. The people I was close to from back home no longer speak to me even when I try to initiate the conversation. Now, I'm sure those reading this are like "Boohoo. Poor Emily. All alone in a new place." I knew it would be hard at first to be here but I didn't think it'd take such a toll on me. I see no point in trying to make new friends here when I'll be moving soon with no future plans of moving back here. I guess what I'm getting at is I wish things were easier and I wish I didn't feel so lonely when I have the most important people around me. I wish things were different and I wish time would fast forward a little bit so we could move on with our lives. Maybe someday my wishes will come true. Until then, I'll smile through this storm because I know once it subsides I'll have an even brighter time!

I am lucky.

Tessa is 2 weeks old today. She is such a joy in our lives! Every other night seems to be a challenge but oddly enough I don't mind missing out on sleep to take care of my daughter. She is starting to smile at us and "talk". We got the go ahead to let her sleep as long as she likes at night and Bryce and I both could not be happier to not have to set our alarm to wake us up every 3 hours to feed her. =) Jace is a great big brother. He loves his sister and gets so excited each time he gets to help feeding her or holding her. He hasn't learned just yet that he has to use an inside voice now but I know he'll get it soon.

After I had Jace I didn't have an issue right away with how my body looked. I had more weight around my hips, stretch marks on my belly, and I wasn't the skinniest thing around my belly. It never bothered me that I didn't have the perfect body anymore or that I would never wear a bikini again. For some reason I've been having a hard time with my body image since having Tessa. I hate that my belly is bigger than I want. I still have stretch marks. I'm even counting down the days until I can start working out. (28 days!!) Tonight I was Pinterest looking at postpartum tips and tricks of every kind. I came across this picture of a women's belly. It was full of stretch marks and beside it wrote, "For every woman unhappy with her postpartum marks, is another who wishes she had them." This got me thinking. I am lucky to have been given the chance to grow two children inside me. I am lucky that I have these marks because it means my body grew and stretched to great lengths to give my babies a home until they were ready to meet this world. I struggled with postpartum anxiety and depression after having Jace and I worry that I'll struggle with it again this time around. I need to keep reminding myself that I am lucky. There are so many women out there who would make amazing mothers but for some reason God has not gifted them the opportunity to bare child. I am lucky I was given the chance to carrying my two babies. Yes, my body may not be the most pleasing to the eyes but it was my children's home and those marks are a reminder to me that I'm lucky.

Welcome to the World Baby Tessa!

On January 8th, at 10:32am, Tessa Ivie Lynn joined our family. She weighed 7 pounds and 11 ounces and was 19 3/4 inches long. She is perfect in every way!!

We had waited for this beautiful girl to arrive for a long time. I was one week overdue before I got induced and it couldn't have come any faster!! We checked into the hospital at 7am. I made the mistake of not taking a tour of the hospital before hand so we had pretty much no clue as to where to go! It was kinda embarrassing. Once we found where we needed to go we got put into what they called the nicest delivery room. (Same thing happened when I went into labor with jace. ;) lucky me!) After an hour of paperwork, vital sign checks, and an IV put in, they started the Pitocin! That instantly put my contractions at uncomfortable every 5 minutes. Perfect right? Labor is going, things are good. Well my doctor said "lets step it up another notch and break your water!" I was thinking in mind that he better not go too far away because with Jace, once my water broke it wasn't long before he arrived! So Pitocin at 8, water broken at 830. I started pushing at 10:25am and with a push and a half Miss Tessa arrived. =) My doctor actually almost missed the delivery. The nurse wanted me to do a practice push to see how fast we needed the doctor and she was like "oh! better get him here asap!!" Talk about an easy labor right?! I definitely got lucky with my labor which is good because if I had a tough time after having such a tough pregnancy, I don't know if I would ever consider having more kids!

Not that there was anything wrong with Tessa, she was healthy, I told Bryce he had to stay by her side no matter what. So while she got measured, bathed, and looked at Bryce was right there by her side so she knew that her daddy was around. =) Tessa also decided that since we had pretty much forced her to come that she needed to let us know all about it! She cried almost nonstop for the first 2 hours of her life. Since she came so fast her body didn't have the proper time to adjust to life outside of the womb, her sinuses were FULL of amniotic fluid which caused her to snort and snore and breath funny. There wasn't much we could do for her for it other than wait for it to clear up on its own. We did end up trying saline drops in each nostril and that helped her out TONS!

Jace had stayed with my sister and her husband while we were in the hospital so later that afternoon they brought him by the hospital and Jace got to meet his little sister. =) He was excited for the first few minutes and then he was ready to go play with toys.

Having two children at home now is trying at times but I am so happy that my family is complete and we are all healthy. =)

My mom loves being a Grandmama to so many kids now. 

Daddy's and their babies. The cousins are only 6 weeks apart. 

All ready to go home! Yes she has little shoes on. =)

And she's out for the count!

Marine Corps, fish, Tessa, RN

I know it's been forever since I've updated my blog. My apologies!! Since I've last written so many great and wonderful things have happened. Bryce graduated high school. Jace turned 2! I stopped working to be a stay at home mommy. And we have all moved to just north of Fort Worth, TX.

Bryce has been working out and preparing his mind and body to join the US Marine Corps. He arrived here in Texas 2 weeks ago and only talked to the recruiter 10 days ago but he has already signed the papers and gone through most of the initial testing before he leaves to boot camp. From what the Master Sargent at the recruiter said Bryce will be leaving the first week in December for boot camp in San Diego. Words cannot describe how proud I am of him. Life has thrown him so many fire balls and each time he has come out even stronger. I can honestly say that he is my hero, my best friend, and someone I look forward to growing old together with. =)

Jace has grown like a weed! He loves anything to do with fish and cars. If it were up to Jace we would only watch Finding Nemo during the day. =) Each day he finds some way to remind me just how lucky I am to be a mom to such a sweet little boy. He already has been giving my baby belly hugs and kisses and telling the baby he can't wait to meet her. =) It's so precious and I know he'll be a great big brother.

Our due date is January 1st, 2014. In my ultrasound yesterday, the doctor did a quick little look and he believes we will be blessed with a baby girl. =) Bryce and I are both so excited! When we were pregnant with Jace we we're hoping with a girl but we were given a handsome little boy. So, we finally get our girl! Hopefully! I do have another ultrasound in 2 weeks to confirm. She is very active! Most of the day she's dancing around and kicking. In the mornings when I wake up but I don't really wanna get up and doing anything just yet, little Tessa always starts kicking and moving around to get me moving. =)

I haven't been up to much other than being a mom. I look forward to going back to school for my RN once the baby is here. Our apartment complex is right across the street from a community college and after some research I've figured out I can do one semester of prerequisites and then it's only 2 years of school and a BIG test and I'll have my RN. =) I am so excited to be moving forward on my own schooling and career.

I do want to say thank you to anyone and everyone who has prayed or thought good thoughts for my family. It has been a hard few months with moving and trying to find our feet but things are finally starting to smooth out and I am so grateful for everything!

April and May Update!

So the past month has been great!! I have officially graduated from school. Bryce is on track to graduate from high school and Jace is going to be a big brother! =) That's right, Bryce and I are expecting our second little bundle of joy! We were shocked at first but we couldn't be happier. My due date is New Years Day, 2014. =) Although Bryce will miss most of the pregnancy due to boot camp and other training, he should be home just in time for the baby to arrive.

Our first ultrasound picture at 7 weeks 5 days!

On another note, this last weekend was quite full for us. Friday we were invited to the Hawks Prairie Rotary club for a luncheon where Bryce received the Hawks Prairie Hero Award for senior graduating under extraordinary circumstances and a $500 check to help with our future. I could not have been more proud of him for it! He has gone through two deployments of his dad and two injuries on top of that. He's maintained a decent GPA while helping raise our son and maintained a successful marriage. How many other 18 year olds do you know that could face such hardship and continue to keep smiling!

The following Saturday was our Senior Prom. It was so nice to get all dressed up and act my age for a few hours. I didn't need to worry about doing laundry, changing diapers, making sure Jace isn't coloring all over himself with markers, or going to work to provide for my family. I got to dance, have fun and be a regular 18 year old kid. Although it was nice to forget about life's worries for a night, I wouldn't change my life for anything. I would never trade in my husband or my son. They are the one things that keep me going each and every day.

Jace is growing like a weed! He's into 2T clothes and size 7 toddler shoes. He just got a new toddler bed! The first night was rough. He spent 45 minutes sitting by his door with his pillow and blanket crying and knocking on the door asking us to let him out. The next day for nap time he cried as Bryce left the room and then he stopped and that was the last of the roughness. He now loves to play in his room when he wakes up and even has learned how to open his door to knock on our to wake us up. =) He is definitely a smart little cookie!