Sunday's suck.

Tomorrow marks 4 weeks since we started this 25 week long journey. Ya'll are probably tired of hearing my talk about it but, I don't care. I'm so proud and so scared at the same time. That fear of him being gone, me on my own, it hasn't seemed to go away. Sunday's are the worst. I'm so busy all day with church, life group, the kids, waiting for him phone call. When it hits evening time, I'm so exhausted emotionally that I just want to cry and eat buckets of ice cream. Next week will be even harder since it's mother's day. I know it sounds whiny and dumb but since the kids are too young to know it's mother's day and Bryce isn't home to help them, I'll spend the day seeing every other mom's facebook pictures of flowers and chocolates and jewelry and other sweet gifts that someone who loves them, gave them. It hurts. I didn't think it'd bother but the closer it gets, the more it hurts. I just want him home to remind me that I'm loved. I don't want to hear it from everyone else. I want him home to tell me. I want him to hug me and tell me I'm doing a good job and that he's proud of me. Why did God send him at this point in time? Why did he wait til things were practically perfect in our marriage to separate us? Why didn't we get more time to be together? I feel like he left and I'm stuck here picking up the pieces. Trying to hold it together. Tonight I'm full of complaints and tears. Tonight it sucks. But tomorrow is another day. Tomorrow the exhaustion will fade away. 6 more sundays of this and then I'll get to hug him again. I can make it.

My children

My children are already part of the "military children" category. Daddy is gone to be a soldier and mommy is the only one at home to take care of everything. Whenever Jace sees a soldier he tells me (and them usually) that his daddy is gone to be one of them. He told me today that he just has a mommy and I had to quickly remind him that he has a daddy too, he's just gone for a little while. I have to explain to my son why he has to leave his friends and move to another state. Although our move is not required by the military, we need to make it. I have to find good things about moving to another state that Jace will understand. Tessa may be too young to understand but she knows her daddy isn't around anymore. She knows everything is up to Mom.
 Jace gives a lot more hugs and kisses to me and his sister. Maybe he's trying to make sure we know that kisses fix every booboo, even just missing Daddy. That boy has a special light that shines through him. That light of his helped me through a lot when he was just a little baby and it continues to help me today. He has a very strong purpose on this earth. To bring a smile to everyone around him. I'm so thankful God gave us Jace.
  Tessa showers me with kisses and smiles when she notices I'm not in such a happy mood.  She has started to really play with Jace and become "one of the big kids" with him. Tessa can tell when I'm in a crummy mood (usually because she's started tantrums and kicking me while she's getting her diaper changed) No matter what she gives off love. She was kicking the wall of her crib tonight and I went in to get her out and the first thing she did was give me a huge kiss. She knew I was upset and even though I was upset she wasn't sleeping, she wanted to make everything better.
Now, I don't want my children to have a "job", per se. But everyone in a family fills a certain gap. And when you take someone out of that gap, temporarily or permanently, everyone else has to adjust and find a way to be whole. Since Bryce left, I thought it was my job to just fill his missing gap til he returns. But my kids have showed me in their own way that they can help too. They can fill the missing kisses and the missing hugs. They can bring that extra brightness to our home. I am so grateful for my children. I am grateful that Bryce has been able to be home with us as long as he was to help me raise them. I am grateful that he is only gone for a short amount of time. It will be another adjustment when he's done with training, but it will be well welcomed!

Day 5

I've made it through 5 days without my love. 5 days but 6 nights, almost 7 nights. It's been so hard on me and the kids. Jace tells me a few times a day he misses his daddy but he's knows he's going to be a soldier now. Tessa walks around the house calling "dada, dada!!" It breaks my heart to see them miss him so much.

I've been thinking about just how much I miss Bryce. Can it really be that we put so much of our happiness and joy in one person? I mean Bryce leaves and suddenly staying home all day everyday in my sweats seems like an awesome idea. I don't find things as funny anymore. I force myself to smile and act happy around others. Being complimented on how "strong" I am seems insulting. I don't feel strong. I feel weak and vulnerable. This all probably seems random and whiney but I don't care. I have no one to share these thoughts with. My person is gone. He's running and doing push-ups. He's working so hard for me and the babies, while I sit here grumbling. I'm so mad at myself for feeling like this. I don't want to be weak. I despise that characteristic.

I went to church tonight in hopes that the message would give me extra strength. Instead I felt alone in a room full of people. All I could think about was how i miss holding his hand in service and him telling me to stop doodling and focus. All I found tonight was emptiness. All I've found all week is emptiness. Maybe when I get a letter from him or his live voice on the phone, I won't feel so empty.

The nights suck.

It's been a couple days since Bryce has left. The days are getting easier, the nights are harder. I miss him. The kids miss him. I knew what we were getting into but the reality is far harder. I've still been working and trying to keep things normal. How can things be normal when a fourth of our lives is gone? I never realized just how much he does for us. It's not the big things I miss, just the little ones. I married him with the expectation to share our lives together and here I sit without an address to send his letters and without him actually here. I know he is there for me and the kids. I know he is providing for us. I know we decided on this together but I was not prepared for it. I can handle the kids on my own. That's the easy part. I can be understanding with them because I know they miss their dad. It's when the babies go to bed and I'm alone. I sit in our bed trying to fill the time until I can finally pass out. I fear falling asleep because what if I have another nightmare or a panic attack and he isn't there to rub my back and remind me to breath. This is the part that sucks. He's there growing and learning so much. He's moving forward in his life. I feel like I'm stuck. It's like life is standing still. I know it's only been a few days and I'm praying many prayers that it gets easier.

BUT

I know I am strong. I can handle this. I can make it through the next 10+ weeks stronger than ever. My relationship with the kids will only grow stronger. My confidence will at an all time high. I'm excited for this adventure, as scary as it is. I've never been more proud of Bryce than I do now. He is so selfless and the best husband/dad ever! He is strictly doing this to better our family situation. We are an Army strong family now. =)

Momma and Tessa Take on Cali!

It's been a while since I've updated so slowly but surely I will get everything caught up!

Back in September of 2014, Tessa and I flew down to Sacramento to visit my mom! It was a great week and exactly what all three of us needed! Here are a few pictures,

We met up with my foreign sister, Iben and went to Old Sacramento. It was a hot sunny day and Tessa loved it!

We took Tessa to my Grandma's grave to meet her. My grandma died when I was just 5 years old. Although she never got my see me grow up or meet my babies, I know she's constantly watched over me. 

I remember going to this same exact McDonald's as a little girl. It was so awesome to take my own little girl there. Even if she couldn't eat much there!

We also did tons of shopping and had lots of down time to just enjoy each others company. Tessa did get to meet lots of her family on my side as well. My grandpa who has never been really involved with the babies in our family fell in love with Tessa!! He held many times and even held her hands while she walked around the living room. It's a precious memory I will never forget. The whole week was a precious memory and I'm so grateful for the opportunity to have able to go!

Doctor's aren't all that scary

Both kids had a doctors appointment this morning. I was so anxious and nervous about them getting shots and how they would handle being in a new place where they felt very vulnerable. I worried for no reason at all. It took Jace a couple minutes to warm up to his nurse and the nurse practitioner but he ended up loving it there.

He weighs only 27 pounds which puts him in the 10th percentile, which is normal and right along the path he has always been on. He's measured at 3 feet tall. He's growing normal and is advanced in his emotional and mental growth. We always knew our boy was smart but for his doctor to acknowledge it on the first visit was so great for me and Bryce as parent to hear. Jace got only one shot today and he took it like a champ. He was a brave big brother and got his done first. He whimpered a little bit but they became proud of his cool bandaid and ended up telling everyone he saw that he got a shot. haha, funny boy!

Tessa weighs a whole 18 pounds!! That's the 75th percentile! Her height is in the 90th percentile and her head circumference is the 50th percentile. We have a "well proportioned child". haha, Those were the doctor's exact words. Everything else with Tessa is going great. She got 3 shots today. Of course she is now a fussy mess and just wants momma, but hey, what do you except from a 7th month old.

Due to our move and insurance, Tessa is a couple months behind on vaccines which we will be making up for by going back in a month to get another 3-4 shots. As much as it pains me to see her hurt from the shots, I know the pain is only temporary and they will help her in the long run. I would do anything in my power to make sure my kids stay healthy and avoid avoidable diseases.

Hearing that my kids were healthy and normal was such a relief on me. I have been so worried lately because Jace is 3 and not potty trained and I knew the amount he is eating hasn't been as much as I would like. I come out of the office with such pride. As moms, we worry ourselves to death about if we are doing a good enough job at raising our kids. I have been doing a good job in raising my son. I have been doing everything that I can to make sure he grows to be the best version of himself. Since I've been through the baby phase already with Jace I already knew that Tessa was doing exact what she should be. And well, she's a chunk so I know that she's growing properly.

Today was a great day. I may have a fussy baby and a 3 year old who is using his shot like a badge of honor but, they have made me so proud! =)

Everyone has a story

Everyone has a story. Whether it includes happiness, heartache, joy, sorrow...it's still a story. I've been thinking a lot lately about my life so far. I'm 19 but I've gone through and have done so much. We each have experiences that mold us into who we are. But just because we came from a hard past, doesn't mean our present and future has to be difficult. If you're willing to stick around, here's my story.

I was born in the capital of California. I came from an average family. My mom was the super mom you always hear about. My dad worked hard to provide us with a good life. My siblings are all quite older than me so I spent a lot of time playing by myself or with other friends my age. My parents raised us Mormon. We had family home evening most Monday nights and read our scriptures together whenever we remembered. When I was 8 we moved to little ole Lacey, Washington. I remember telling my friends we were moving because my parents hated the traffic and I had a friend tell me to just move to Orange County. HA! It's funny what we remember from our childhood. =) I liked Washington, minus the loads of rain of course. I made friends right off the bat. I enjoyed to play outside and to go out with friends. Looking from the outside in, you would think I was the typical kid in a middle class family. In 7th grade my mother got very sick. I remember one day seeing my mom laying on the couch crying out in pain. My dad took her to the emergency room and they admitted her to the hospital.The doctor's couldn't figure out what it was. "Maybe it's her gall bladder. Or Maybe it's her appendix." Finally after sending all her chart notes, lab work, and images all up and down the coast, a doctor realized what the problem was. You see, you have a void in your abdomen that usually doesn't cause an issue to your health. But my mom's intestines had gotten kinked up inside that void and was causing her to be in extreme pain and severe dehydration. She was only hours away from dying before this miracle of a doctor saw the issue. They prepped her for surgery and fixed her right up. As most people know, hospitals are walking infections. My mom caught an infection from the hospital and her wound had to be reopened and cleaned out everyday as it healed itself. I cleaned her wound every morning and every evening for months. At 12 years old, I knew it was my job to take care of her and help her get back to full health. You see, my mom and I are as close as it gets. We are very similar and we have this amazing bond between each other.
A few months after my mom's life saving surgery, my dad got fired from his job. This caused extra stress on our family. How would we pay for our house, our food, our cars? At the time I didn't really understand just how much this would change our life but looking back I can see what a life altering thing it was. My dad spent the next 3 or so years bobbing from job to job but with the economy, it was hard to find anything that was permanent.
In 8th grade I met Bryce Gorsuch. I thought he was the weird new kid and wasn't sure if we would become friends. Little did I know he would become my best friend, love of my life, my husband. My freshman year I was very lost. I didn't like school anymore. I wanted to just have fun, get attention from boys, and not care about what anyone thought of me. I made some very poor choices and lost some very good friends. One good choice I made freshman year was to start dating Bryce. He had been there for me through so much. He was there no matter what screw up I made or who I dated. He showed me what true Christ-like love was. I knew from then on I wanted to be a better person. I wanted to do better at school and be a better friend. Little did I know, I was about to become 15, pregnant, and very depressed. I knew I was pregnant as soon as I missed my first period. I kept it in for 2 months. I didn't want to face my mom and tell her I screwed up and was going to be a mom myself. Once I did tell her, I didn't feel any better. She told my siblings and my dad for me. I was so scared my dad would kick me out of the house. He didn't but he was so disappointed in me. My sister and I got into a huge fight over it and we stopped talking for a while. I didn't have any friends. My family was so mad at me. I was alone except for Bryce and our soon to be child. I suffered from anxiety and depression for a little while before I got pregnant. Being pregnant and in such a tough situation just made it even worse. I suffered from multiple panic attacks while pregnant and eventually got on medication to help. The months after having Jace were harder than I ever thought. Yes I had this beautiful new son and a family but we couldn't be together. I had Jace constantly since I wasn't comfortable to be away from him. Bryce wasn't allowed over to my house everyday to help out and I wasn't comfortable being in a home that wasn't mine. Bryce missed out on a lot when Jace was a newborn. I take responsibility for a lot of it. I sometimes have selfish tendencies. Junior year approaches and I'm not looking forward to being at school all day long without my son. My mom was such a blessing and brought him and lunch to me every day. It didn't take away the pain of being gone all day but it made it easier. In November of our junior year, Bryce's dad lost his foot in Afghanistan. Now this next part I haven't many people. Actually, I just told Bryce the truth a couple weeks ago. I dropped out of high school in February, not because I couldn't handle school problems or because I wanted to move on to better things. I dropped out of high school because I was scared that Bryce's family would move across country for treatment and Jace and I would lose Bryce or I would lose both of them. I wanted to drop out so that I could move with them and not be a burden or a problem. My plan was to get a job and start school for Medical Assisting. Bryce's family ended up not moving and I started school a few months later. Things were so hard. Bryce and I took on so much responsibility with his little brothers and trying to raise our son together. It made life very hard for a while. In the moment I was overwhelmed. I had so many emotions running through me and no one to talk to and help me out. Later in the year, Bryce's parents came back to Washington and things we working there way back together.
Bryce and I got married August 31st, 2012. We first moved into my parents downstairs. My dad had very strong feelings of anger toward me and my new little family. He was still mad about me getting pregnant so young. 6 months later, we moved in with Bryce's family to try and alleviate some of the tension between me and my father. Bryce's and mine relationship then took a huge hit. We were arguing all the time. My panic attacks came back and worse. I thought for sure we were headed for divorce. At this time my parents were talking about moving to Texas with my sister. (What I didn't mention earlier was that my sister and I only stopped talking for a few months and then we made up and become closer than ever.) I was about 4 months pregnant with Tessa when Jace and I moved with my parents to Texas. We were apart for only 1 month before Bryce moved down with us. We made things work. We realized that divorce was not an option for us. Our children deserved us to be together and to make things work no matter what. In January of 2014 we welcomed Miss Tessa into our family. While in Texas we didn't go to church. We tried a few different ones but never found the right one that was our home. We soon realized that my parents were going to get a divorce. Their marriage was not full of happiness and love anymore and my mom was waiting on us to move out to leave my dad. Bryce and I talked and decided that we were going to move back to Washington. We didn't have a church in Texas, we didn't feel at home in Texas, and my mom wanted to leave my dad. We had all these good reasons to move but it didn't make it any easier. Moving back to Washington is the first time ever that I haven't lived at the most 5 minutes away from my mom. This is what growing up is I guess.
The morning of our flight back to Washington Bryce's sister was in a major car crash. His parents and brothers flew out there to be with her for a week and then Bryce's dad and brothers came back to Washington. The transition from moving away from my family, moving into a home that's not ours, and taking on a TON of responsibility that we weren't used to, was not easy to put it simply. It's been a couple months now and we have gotten into the groove and gotten the kinks worked out.
If you'd made it this far in my story, you may be wondering, "Why share all this now?" I choose to share my story for me, for others. I share it for me because there is something so therapeutic about getting everything all out there and not keeping any secrets beyond a chosen couple. I share my story for others so that maybe one day someone will read this and see that even when life is hard and you think you've screwed it up. There is a happy ending.
My story isn't over at moving to Washington and having everything finally settle down. My story is just beginning. Stay tuned for the next chapter. ;)