Good-Bye 2015. Hello 2016.

Wow, it has definitely been a full year. Lots of ups and downs. But we made it through!!

January: We celebrated Tessa's 1st birthday and Bryce's 20th.
February: It was such a quiet month. I can't even recall anything big happening! haha
March: Bryce continued working all month towards joining the Army. We got the bittersweet news that he would be leaving for Basic training with only 10 days to prepare our family. It was a scary time but it was what we needed for our family to take the next step. This was the start of our new life. This was also the same time I took a leap and applied for a supervisor position at work but ended up not getting it. Which bothered me at first and then we found out Bryce was leaving so it ended up actually being a good thing.
April: Bryce left the morning of Easter. The kids and I went up north and spend the day with some family. It was so nice to be surrounded by those who cared for us. It didn' hit me until we got home that night and I realized just how lonely the next few months were gonna be. We did get to go up the Seattle the next day and spend the whole day together waiting for Bryce to be sworn in and then walking around downtown Seattle. It was our last day as a family for a long time.
May: I quit my job at Kohl's and became the stay at home mom I've longed for! It was hard to leave a job that I truly loved and the people there. I also packed up all of our things, put them in storage and then moved the kids and myself to Texas with just shorts and tshirts. It was quite difficult but needed.
June: We got the awful news that Bryce was being recycled and would have to endure an extra 3-4 weeks of training. It was a blessing in disguise. It gave him a little extra time to become an even better solider. But it also tested me. I don't do well with stress and being patient. Two things that you need to be able to handle when you become an Army spouse. Bryce being recycled tested me and helped me grown stronger. In June, we also celebrated Jace turning 4!
July: Finally, we got to see Bryce. My mom, Jace, Tessa, and myself all got packed up in the car and drove the 12 hours to Georgia to see Bryce graduate. It was a very long trip for only 2 days with him but oh so worth it! He finally became an United State's Army soldier. He worked so hard for that day and we are so proud of the man he is. =) Bryce went onto AIT and we moved into a different chapter. After having VERY limited contact with Bryce, (a call once every couple weeks, sometimes sooner, sometimes longer) we were now able to talk to him during his free time on a daily basis.
August: I bought a car! Our first car! And I got a very good deal for it too! Other than that, August sucked. It was SO hot in Texas and we were done with it! haha
September: The kids and I spent lots of time with their Aunt Nini and cousin Hutson. =)
October: We took a last minute trip to Pensacola to visit Bryce. Literally a week before we were like "hey, we miss each other. lets spend the weekend together!" So I loaded the kids up in the car and we drove 10+ hours on a friday morning to make it to see Bryce for dinner. We got to spend all day Saturday together at the beach at in the hotel room since it was FREEZING! Sunday we only had until noon to spend together but we watched the sun rise on the beach. Something I've always dreamed of. It was such a short time together but it was exactly what we needed as a family. The kids had no clue until we got there that they were gonna see Daddy. I just kept telling them we were gonna go to the beach. It was on the best weekends of my life. =) Bryce also graduated from AIT in October, just a couple weeks after our mini vacation. He then came "home" to Texas and we packed up our little car and headed to our new home, Colorado. Within an hour of arriving, we got our keys locked in our car. And of course our kids had upset stomachs from being the car for a day and a half. Colorado was definitely welcoming us with open arms! =)
November: we spent the entire month living in a hotel. We were lucky enough to have a kitchen and washer/dryer but, it still wasn't a home. We had met some friends and they invited us for Thanksgiving. It was SO nice to not be on our own for a major holiday.
December: We finally moved into our very first home!!! We are so blessed with a 3 bedroom, 2.5 month bath, 1600 sq ft 2 story house!! I'm still amazed at all the space. I have a bedroom that doesn't double as the living room or home office or any other space. I have a walk in closet, yall!! The kids could have their own rooms but who wants to sleep alone, right?! =) We also celebrated my 21st birthday. And let me tell you, my husband ROCKS at birthdays. I got to sleep in, breakfast in bed, shopping, and going out to eat where the restaurant sang happy birthday to me. We enjoyed our first christmas morning, just us. It was also the first year we could afford to get the kids more than just some small cheap gift. We have been so blessed. For Christmas dinner we, again, got to spend it with some great friends. People here are just so friendly and kind. It makes not being close to family so much easier!

This year, our life has completely turned out. We are happier and stronger for it. I am so grateful for all that we have been blessed with.  Thank you to everyone who has been apart of our lives this year! Here's to an even better year in 2016!!

Please be proud

I recently was in a My Story film at my church. I told my story of how I became a mom so young and how I've grown. I was going to wait to watch until it aired at church this weekend but I went ahead and followed the link posted on facebook and watched it. It was so hard to watch, not because of what was in it but because who wasn't. Bryce didn't get to see me film it. He didn't get to be in it. He doesn't get to see it until after basic. I miss him. I just want to know he's still proud of me. I know his idea of me hasn't changed but I've changed. I've grown in the 4 weeks he's been gone. I've become stronger, more confident, patient. I want him to see it. I want him to look me in the eyes one last time and tell me he's proud of who I've grown into.

Since we married young a lot of people told us that our marriage wouldn't last. We would really grow up and realize we didn't love each other. I'm terrified that will happen to us. We made a pact together that divorce was never on the table. We would never let our marriage get so bad we wanted out. Although there had been times that the talk of a divorce had lingered, we worked our hardest to make things right. Since I've been changing so much in the past 8 months or so and now he's gone to basic and changing so much, I'm very fearful. We have always been together. We went to school together, we worked part-time and spent every moment not working, together. We have been a team, one solid unit, since before Jace was born. And to not have him here this last month when the big changes have been made is hard. I know the changes wouldn't have happened if he hadn't left but I still feel like we are missing out on each others lives.

We will be apart for a grand total of 6 months. I made a list of everything Bryce was going to miss with the kids while he was gone. Jace's 4th birthday. Tessa learning new words and getting a full mouth of teeth. Both kids 100% potty trained. I didn't even think about what he would miss with me. Graduating from Freedom Session. I know it's not school but I've never finished something and had a ceremony before. He's missing our 3 year wedding anniversary. He's missing me stepping up and making some really hard decisions that I usually would have avoided. He's missing seeing me become the mother I always wanted to be but something was just missing and holding me back. How do I make it up to him? How do I give him a piece of all he's missed?

I just feel so crummy tonight. When I'm upset I think and lately thinking has made me just want to put words down and put all those feelings down in black and white. Once they are down, I can leave them there and move forward. I can cry while I write but when the last period  hits the page, I'm done with the sad. I'm done with the negative feelings and I can move on with the night. I know everything is going to be okay.

I know because we are an Army strong family who can make it through.

Sunday's suck.

Tomorrow marks 4 weeks since we started this 25 week long journey. Ya'll are probably tired of hearing my talk about it but, I don't care. I'm so proud and so scared at the same time. That fear of him being gone, me on my own, it hasn't seemed to go away. Sunday's are the worst. I'm so busy all day with church, life group, the kids, waiting for him phone call. When it hits evening time, I'm so exhausted emotionally that I just want to cry and eat buckets of ice cream. Next week will be even harder since it's mother's day. I know it sounds whiny and dumb but since the kids are too young to know it's mother's day and Bryce isn't home to help them, I'll spend the day seeing every other mom's facebook pictures of flowers and chocolates and jewelry and other sweet gifts that someone who loves them, gave them. It hurts. I didn't think it'd bother but the closer it gets, the more it hurts. I just want him home to remind me that I'm loved. I don't want to hear it from everyone else. I want him home to tell me. I want him to hug me and tell me I'm doing a good job and that he's proud of me. Why did God send him at this point in time? Why did he wait til things were practically perfect in our marriage to separate us? Why didn't we get more time to be together? I feel like he left and I'm stuck here picking up the pieces. Trying to hold it together. Tonight I'm full of complaints and tears. Tonight it sucks. But tomorrow is another day. Tomorrow the exhaustion will fade away. 6 more sundays of this and then I'll get to hug him again. I can make it.

My children

My children are already part of the "military children" category. Daddy is gone to be a soldier and mommy is the only one at home to take care of everything. Whenever Jace sees a soldier he tells me (and them usually) that his daddy is gone to be one of them. He told me today that he just has a mommy and I had to quickly remind him that he has a daddy too, he's just gone for a little while. I have to explain to my son why he has to leave his friends and move to another state. Although our move is not required by the military, we need to make it. I have to find good things about moving to another state that Jace will understand. Tessa may be too young to understand but she knows her daddy isn't around anymore. She knows everything is up to Mom.
 Jace gives a lot more hugs and kisses to me and his sister. Maybe he's trying to make sure we know that kisses fix every booboo, even just missing Daddy. That boy has a special light that shines through him. That light of his helped me through a lot when he was just a little baby and it continues to help me today. He has a very strong purpose on this earth. To bring a smile to everyone around him. I'm so thankful God gave us Jace.
  Tessa showers me with kisses and smiles when she notices I'm not in such a happy mood.  She has started to really play with Jace and become "one of the big kids" with him. Tessa can tell when I'm in a crummy mood (usually because she's started tantrums and kicking me while she's getting her diaper changed) No matter what she gives off love. She was kicking the wall of her crib tonight and I went in to get her out and the first thing she did was give me a huge kiss. She knew I was upset and even though I was upset she wasn't sleeping, she wanted to make everything better.
Now, I don't want my children to have a "job", per se. But everyone in a family fills a certain gap. And when you take someone out of that gap, temporarily or permanently, everyone else has to adjust and find a way to be whole. Since Bryce left, I thought it was my job to just fill his missing gap til he returns. But my kids have showed me in their own way that they can help too. They can fill the missing kisses and the missing hugs. They can bring that extra brightness to our home. I am so grateful for my children. I am grateful that Bryce has been able to be home with us as long as he was to help me raise them. I am grateful that he is only gone for a short amount of time. It will be another adjustment when he's done with training, but it will be well welcomed!

Day 5

I've made it through 5 days without my love. 5 days but 6 nights, almost 7 nights. It's been so hard on me and the kids. Jace tells me a few times a day he misses his daddy but he's knows he's going to be a soldier now. Tessa walks around the house calling "dada, dada!!" It breaks my heart to see them miss him so much.

I've been thinking about just how much I miss Bryce. Can it really be that we put so much of our happiness and joy in one person? I mean Bryce leaves and suddenly staying home all day everyday in my sweats seems like an awesome idea. I don't find things as funny anymore. I force myself to smile and act happy around others. Being complimented on how "strong" I am seems insulting. I don't feel strong. I feel weak and vulnerable. This all probably seems random and whiney but I don't care. I have no one to share these thoughts with. My person is gone. He's running and doing push-ups. He's working so hard for me and the babies, while I sit here grumbling. I'm so mad at myself for feeling like this. I don't want to be weak. I despise that characteristic.

I went to church tonight in hopes that the message would give me extra strength. Instead I felt alone in a room full of people. All I could think about was how i miss holding his hand in service and him telling me to stop doodling and focus. All I found tonight was emptiness. All I've found all week is emptiness. Maybe when I get a letter from him or his live voice on the phone, I won't feel so empty.

The nights suck.

It's been a couple days since Bryce has left. The days are getting easier, the nights are harder. I miss him. The kids miss him. I knew what we were getting into but the reality is far harder. I've still been working and trying to keep things normal. How can things be normal when a fourth of our lives is gone? I never realized just how much he does for us. It's not the big things I miss, just the little ones. I married him with the expectation to share our lives together and here I sit without an address to send his letters and without him actually here. I know he is there for me and the kids. I know he is providing for us. I know we decided on this together but I was not prepared for it. I can handle the kids on my own. That's the easy part. I can be understanding with them because I know they miss their dad. It's when the babies go to bed and I'm alone. I sit in our bed trying to fill the time until I can finally pass out. I fear falling asleep because what if I have another nightmare or a panic attack and he isn't there to rub my back and remind me to breath. This is the part that sucks. He's there growing and learning so much. He's moving forward in his life. I feel like I'm stuck. It's like life is standing still. I know it's only been a few days and I'm praying many prayers that it gets easier.

BUT

I know I am strong. I can handle this. I can make it through the next 10+ weeks stronger than ever. My relationship with the kids will only grow stronger. My confidence will at an all time high. I'm excited for this adventure, as scary as it is. I've never been more proud of Bryce than I do now. He is so selfless and the best husband/dad ever! He is strictly doing this to better our family situation. We are an Army strong family now. =)

Momma and Tessa Take on Cali!

It's been a while since I've updated so slowly but surely I will get everything caught up!

Back in September of 2014, Tessa and I flew down to Sacramento to visit my mom! It was a great week and exactly what all three of us needed! Here are a few pictures,

We met up with my foreign sister, Iben and went to Old Sacramento. It was a hot sunny day and Tessa loved it!

We took Tessa to my Grandma's grave to meet her. My grandma died when I was just 5 years old. Although she never got my see me grow up or meet my babies, I know she's constantly watched over me. 

I remember going to this same exact McDonald's as a little girl. It was so awesome to take my own little girl there. Even if she couldn't eat much there!

We also did tons of shopping and had lots of down time to just enjoy each others company. Tessa did get to meet lots of her family on my side as well. My grandpa who has never been really involved with the babies in our family fell in love with Tessa!! He held many times and even held her hands while she walked around the living room. It's a precious memory I will never forget. The whole week was a precious memory and I'm so grateful for the opportunity to have able to go!

Doctor's aren't all that scary

Both kids had a doctors appointment this morning. I was so anxious and nervous about them getting shots and how they would handle being in a new place where they felt very vulnerable. I worried for no reason at all. It took Jace a couple minutes to warm up to his nurse and the nurse practitioner but he ended up loving it there.

He weighs only 27 pounds which puts him in the 10th percentile, which is normal and right along the path he has always been on. He's measured at 3 feet tall. He's growing normal and is advanced in his emotional and mental growth. We always knew our boy was smart but for his doctor to acknowledge it on the first visit was so great for me and Bryce as parent to hear. Jace got only one shot today and he took it like a champ. He was a brave big brother and got his done first. He whimpered a little bit but they became proud of his cool bandaid and ended up telling everyone he saw that he got a shot. haha, funny boy!

Tessa weighs a whole 18 pounds!! That's the 75th percentile! Her height is in the 90th percentile and her head circumference is the 50th percentile. We have a "well proportioned child". haha, Those were the doctor's exact words. Everything else with Tessa is going great. She got 3 shots today. Of course she is now a fussy mess and just wants momma, but hey, what do you except from a 7th month old.

Due to our move and insurance, Tessa is a couple months behind on vaccines which we will be making up for by going back in a month to get another 3-4 shots. As much as it pains me to see her hurt from the shots, I know the pain is only temporary and they will help her in the long run. I would do anything in my power to make sure my kids stay healthy and avoid avoidable diseases.

Hearing that my kids were healthy and normal was such a relief on me. I have been so worried lately because Jace is 3 and not potty trained and I knew the amount he is eating hasn't been as much as I would like. I come out of the office with such pride. As moms, we worry ourselves to death about if we are doing a good enough job at raising our kids. I have been doing a good job in raising my son. I have been doing everything that I can to make sure he grows to be the best version of himself. Since I've been through the baby phase already with Jace I already knew that Tessa was doing exact what she should be. And well, she's a chunk so I know that she's growing properly.

Today was a great day. I may have a fussy baby and a 3 year old who is using his shot like a badge of honor but, they have made me so proud! =)

Everyone has a story

Everyone has a story. Whether it includes happiness, heartache, joy, sorrow...it's still a story. I've been thinking a lot lately about my life so far. I'm 19 but I've gone through and have done so much. We each have experiences that mold us into who we are. But just because we came from a hard past, doesn't mean our present and future has to be difficult. If you're willing to stick around, here's my story.

I was born in the capital of California. I came from an average family. My mom was the super mom you always hear about. My dad worked hard to provide us with a good life. My siblings are all quite older than me so I spent a lot of time playing by myself or with other friends my age. My parents raised us Mormon. We had family home evening most Monday nights and read our scriptures together whenever we remembered. When I was 8 we moved to little ole Lacey, Washington. I remember telling my friends we were moving because my parents hated the traffic and I had a friend tell me to just move to Orange County. HA! It's funny what we remember from our childhood. =) I liked Washington, minus the loads of rain of course. I made friends right off the bat. I enjoyed to play outside and to go out with friends. Looking from the outside in, you would think I was the typical kid in a middle class family. In 7th grade my mother got very sick. I remember one day seeing my mom laying on the couch crying out in pain. My dad took her to the emergency room and they admitted her to the hospital.The doctor's couldn't figure out what it was. "Maybe it's her gall bladder. Or Maybe it's her appendix." Finally after sending all her chart notes, lab work, and images all up and down the coast, a doctor realized what the problem was. You see, you have a void in your abdomen that usually doesn't cause an issue to your health. But my mom's intestines had gotten kinked up inside that void and was causing her to be in extreme pain and severe dehydration. She was only hours away from dying before this miracle of a doctor saw the issue. They prepped her for surgery and fixed her right up. As most people know, hospitals are walking infections. My mom caught an infection from the hospital and her wound had to be reopened and cleaned out everyday as it healed itself. I cleaned her wound every morning and every evening for months. At 12 years old, I knew it was my job to take care of her and help her get back to full health. You see, my mom and I are as close as it gets. We are very similar and we have this amazing bond between each other.
A few months after my mom's life saving surgery, my dad got fired from his job. This caused extra stress on our family. How would we pay for our house, our food, our cars? At the time I didn't really understand just how much this would change our life but looking back I can see what a life altering thing it was. My dad spent the next 3 or so years bobbing from job to job but with the economy, it was hard to find anything that was permanent.
In 8th grade I met Bryce Gorsuch. I thought he was the weird new kid and wasn't sure if we would become friends. Little did I know he would become my best friend, love of my life, my husband. My freshman year I was very lost. I didn't like school anymore. I wanted to just have fun, get attention from boys, and not care about what anyone thought of me. I made some very poor choices and lost some very good friends. One good choice I made freshman year was to start dating Bryce. He had been there for me through so much. He was there no matter what screw up I made or who I dated. He showed me what true Christ-like love was. I knew from then on I wanted to be a better person. I wanted to do better at school and be a better friend. Little did I know, I was about to become 15, pregnant, and very depressed. I knew I was pregnant as soon as I missed my first period. I kept it in for 2 months. I didn't want to face my mom and tell her I screwed up and was going to be a mom myself. Once I did tell her, I didn't feel any better. She told my siblings and my dad for me. I was so scared my dad would kick me out of the house. He didn't but he was so disappointed in me. My sister and I got into a huge fight over it and we stopped talking for a while. I didn't have any friends. My family was so mad at me. I was alone except for Bryce and our soon to be child. I suffered from anxiety and depression for a little while before I got pregnant. Being pregnant and in such a tough situation just made it even worse. I suffered from multiple panic attacks while pregnant and eventually got on medication to help. The months after having Jace were harder than I ever thought. Yes I had this beautiful new son and a family but we couldn't be together. I had Jace constantly since I wasn't comfortable to be away from him. Bryce wasn't allowed over to my house everyday to help out and I wasn't comfortable being in a home that wasn't mine. Bryce missed out on a lot when Jace was a newborn. I take responsibility for a lot of it. I sometimes have selfish tendencies. Junior year approaches and I'm not looking forward to being at school all day long without my son. My mom was such a blessing and brought him and lunch to me every day. It didn't take away the pain of being gone all day but it made it easier. In November of our junior year, Bryce's dad lost his foot in Afghanistan. Now this next part I haven't many people. Actually, I just told Bryce the truth a couple weeks ago. I dropped out of high school in February, not because I couldn't handle school problems or because I wanted to move on to better things. I dropped out of high school because I was scared that Bryce's family would move across country for treatment and Jace and I would lose Bryce or I would lose both of them. I wanted to drop out so that I could move with them and not be a burden or a problem. My plan was to get a job and start school for Medical Assisting. Bryce's family ended up not moving and I started school a few months later. Things were so hard. Bryce and I took on so much responsibility with his little brothers and trying to raise our son together. It made life very hard for a while. In the moment I was overwhelmed. I had so many emotions running through me and no one to talk to and help me out. Later in the year, Bryce's parents came back to Washington and things we working there way back together.
Bryce and I got married August 31st, 2012. We first moved into my parents downstairs. My dad had very strong feelings of anger toward me and my new little family. He was still mad about me getting pregnant so young. 6 months later, we moved in with Bryce's family to try and alleviate some of the tension between me and my father. Bryce's and mine relationship then took a huge hit. We were arguing all the time. My panic attacks came back and worse. I thought for sure we were headed for divorce. At this time my parents were talking about moving to Texas with my sister. (What I didn't mention earlier was that my sister and I only stopped talking for a few months and then we made up and become closer than ever.) I was about 4 months pregnant with Tessa when Jace and I moved with my parents to Texas. We were apart for only 1 month before Bryce moved down with us. We made things work. We realized that divorce was not an option for us. Our children deserved us to be together and to make things work no matter what. In January of 2014 we welcomed Miss Tessa into our family. While in Texas we didn't go to church. We tried a few different ones but never found the right one that was our home. We soon realized that my parents were going to get a divorce. Their marriage was not full of happiness and love anymore and my mom was waiting on us to move out to leave my dad. Bryce and I talked and decided that we were going to move back to Washington. We didn't have a church in Texas, we didn't feel at home in Texas, and my mom wanted to leave my dad. We had all these good reasons to move but it didn't make it any easier. Moving back to Washington is the first time ever that I haven't lived at the most 5 minutes away from my mom. This is what growing up is I guess.
The morning of our flight back to Washington Bryce's sister was in a major car crash. His parents and brothers flew out there to be with her for a week and then Bryce's dad and brothers came back to Washington. The transition from moving away from my family, moving into a home that's not ours, and taking on a TON of responsibility that we weren't used to, was not easy to put it simply. It's been a couple months now and we have gotten into the groove and gotten the kinks worked out.
If you'd made it this far in my story, you may be wondering, "Why share all this now?" I choose to share my story for me, for others. I share it for me because there is something so therapeutic about getting everything all out there and not keeping any secrets beyond a chosen couple. I share my story for others so that maybe one day someone will read this and see that even when life is hard and you think you've screwed it up. There is a happy ending.
My story isn't over at moving to Washington and having everything finally settle down. My story is just beginning. Stay tuned for the next chapter. ;)

Home Sweet Home

Well we have moved back to Washington and are getting settled in. Bryce is still trying to enlist with the US Army but for whatever reason it has become a difficult road with the paperwork. Jace has just about gotten over his terrible two's (crossed fingers!!) He is happy everyday without fail. Unless he's hungry or tired. Tessa is growing like a weed! This girl has more chunk than any baby I've met. Not much else has been going on. I feel like our life has hit a little bit of a boring path. But that just means something big is about to happen and I promise to blog all about it when it does. =)

So Little Time So Many Things!

Wow! So much has changed since I posted last! Almost 2 months later and everything is good again! Alright so a quick update on everyone.
Bryce: We are still patiently waiting to hear back from the Marine Corps for his discharge papers. As hard as it is to wait, we know this is the best thing for our family and it is Bryce's dream to serve his country the same way his father has for almost 20 years! Bryce has also quit at Marco's Pizza in preparation for our move. He hopes to get a job at the movie theater back home in Lacey before he ships out. While I was working at Target, Bryce took on the job of stay at home dad. My goodness is he the best daddy ever!! The kids loved getting to spend special time with daddy and since dad does things a little different, they got to have a change of life!
Jace: He has so much energy all the time! He has definitely showed us he is not a morning person. He will sleep in until 10am and LOVES to stay up late and have special mommy/daddy time. Right now, I'm okay with it. When we move back home to Washington I plan on getting his schedule back to 8:30pm bedtime and 8:30am wake up time! He has grown into the best big brother to Tessa. He loves to hold her, play with her, give her hugs and kisses, and even help us change and feed her! Currently anything that has to do with pirates or cars is his favorite thing! He even thinks that coins are gold deblooms just like in the show Jake and the Neverland Pirates. He daily makes me grateful to have such a sweet and loving son.
Tessa: My goodness this girl is a riot!! She is so funny and full of excitement! She loves to do baby yoga and keep her feet up in the air when she lays on her back. She also loves to sit up and to stand. She is going to be an early walker!! We have tried solid food once so far and she was not a fan!! Silly girl. =) She is constantly making us smile and laugh. Her bright blue eyes and dimpled cheeks could make even the grumpiest person smile.
Emily: I have gotten on medication for my postpartum depression and life is so much better! The kids are no longer overwhelming. I'm able to play with them and not become overly exhausted. I also went back to work for a short period of time. I thought getting out of the house and away from the kids for a few hours was just what I needed and come to find out, I was so wrong. My babies are the reason why I wake up in the morning and push through everyday. They needed me home just as much as I needed them. Unfortunately due to the car accident I was forced to quit sooner than planned. Which is just fine for me! I love being able to be with the kids all day and cook and clean for them.

Almost 2 weeks ago we were involved in a car accident. I had pulled out of a parking spot and although when I looked over my shoulder and saw no one there, someone was driving down the road. He hit me on the back bumper and caused me to hit my head against the steering wheel and blackout momentarily. The kids were screaming and terrified but they were unharmed. Bryce was also unharmed expect for a sore neck. I was checked out by the fireman and the paramedics and was advised to go to the hospital. Oh joy! It was my first car accident and my first time in an ambulance. I was terrified. I was alone. Bryce stayed back with the kids and waited for my dad to pick them up and handle the paperwork and cops and whatnot.  On our way to the hospital, the pain in my neck and back increased immensely. I was put in a neck brace and even lifted from the ambulance gurney onto the  hospital bed. That part wasn't so bad. The male nurse and one of the paramedics were extremely good looking and it was a nice piece of sugar in a bitter experience. As I got checked out by the nurses and then finally the doctor, they ordered a head scan, ct scan, and an x ray. I laid in my hospital room by myself for what felt like hours before they finally came and wheeled to radiology. Now a couple years ago my mom bought me a necklace that was a heart and on it says " I am always with you. Be brave. Have courage. Love Life." I have worn that necklace everyday since she gave it to me. Laying in the hospital bed alone and in so much pain, I ran my hands over this necklace many times. "I am always with you. Be brave. Have courage. Love life" The guardian angel that was looking out for my family in the accident was with me in the hospital. I was not alone. I was brave enough to go through this awful experience and I had courage to do what I needed to do. I got all my scans done and as I was getting wheeled back to my room, I kept praying that Bryce would be there waiting for me. As we rolled around the corner I heard the laughter of my baby boy. Thank goodness! I burst into tears as I realized that not only was Bryce there but so were my kids and my dad. Hearing Jace's laugh made me feel so much better. He was okay. Tessa was still a little shaken up and it hurt too bad to hold her but she was unharmed! My mom finally came to the hospital and her and my dad took the kids home. Bryce stayed with me and was my anchor in such a choppy storm. I am so grateful to him. He took care of the kids while I was getting medical attention. He helped me in the hospital while we waited for results. He helped me at home and made sure that I was comfortable and wasn't in too much pain. After waiting for a while, the doctor came in and let me know that everything was clean. No breaks. No inner swelling. No internal bleeding. No concussion (which was a misdiagnoses!!) The only thing was my back and neck were strained/sprained. I was given a prescription for pain meds and a muscle relaxant and was told to take things really easy. Now, back to that concussion. I've had one before and I know what they feel like. Even if it didn't show up on the scans, the next day I could tell I had had a concussion. 2 weeks later and I have a horrible headache and I get dizzy/disorianted super easy. The kids aren't scared to ride in the car which is something I was so scared of! I am so grateful they were not really affected by the accident. It's been just about 2 weeks and everything is back to normal. The kids are great and so is Bryce. I am still in a fair amount of pain but each day gets a little better. We just have to take one foot in front of the other and everything will be perfect!

Not Going to Lie

I've been very stressed lately. I'm having post postpartum anxiety and depression. Yes, I admit it. It is out there. Plain as day. I have postpartum anxiety and depression. I struggled with it after I had Jace and I am struggling with it after having Tessa. I have yet to go to the doctor and get back on medication for it but I am working through this little bit of difficulty on my own, for now at least. Life is hard. I know I was never promised an easy life but I feel like I was at least promised with some relief from the hard stuff sometimes. I feel like I'm drowning. I feel like everything is too hard and too overwhelming. I am lucky to have a great husband who understands this and is doing everything is his power to help me. He even offered to me an opportunity to find a job I love, get out of the house during the day, and he can be a stay-at-home dad until he leaves for basic. This coming from the man who told me the day before he never wanted to be home with the kids 24/7. Talk about amazing!
I was so young when I had Jace. I got pregnant at 15, had him at 16. I was in shock for most of my pregnancy. It was such a new concept to me. Most of my friends had left me when they found out I was having a baby. It was a hard time. Probably the hardest time of my life. I suffered with pp depression after he was born. I got to a point where I didn't want to live anymore. Life hurt too bad and I didn't know how to make anything better. I felt inadequate as a mother, as a girlfriend, as a daughter. I felt such guilt for being a teen mother. In time I got help and got better. Life got better and bearable. I found going to church with people who loved me helped TONS! I forgave myself for getting pregnant so young. Once I did that it was as if the sun had risen for the first time on such a long time for me. I was happy. I was able to really enjoy being a mom. Things were going so great Bryce and I talked about having another baby. Now we didn't exactly plan on getting pregnant as soon as we did with Tessa. But nonetheless, we wanted to grow our family.
My pregnancy with Tessa was awful. It was stressful and hard being pregnant and having a rowdy two year old. I was in such constant pain from my hips and ligaments. I was wrongly diagnosed with an abdominal hernia. I spent months being cautious about what I lifted and how I moved. I was terrified I'd have to have surgery and I'd lose the baby. Come to find out when I was about 6 months pregnant it was not a hernia but just a stressed ligament. Awesome. So then I had one less worry.  I didn't feel a connection with Tessa when I was pregnant with her. It was as if she was someone else's baby that I was carrying. I hated myself for that. I hated that I couldn't figure out a way to bond with my unborn baby. Her kicks seemed like annoyances rather than a miracle. Hearing her heartbeat didn't make me smile, it was just noise. It wasn't until about a month before she was born that I felt any sort of connection with her. That was about the time I realized that I would have a new baby to hold soon. A new baby to not make the same mistakes I did with Jace. A new little life to love and to be loved by. I finally bonded with her! Now looking back I feel ashamed that I didn't enjoy being pregnant with her. I am ashamed that I didn't allow myself to fully love her earlier. There is nothing I can do about it but love her to the fullest and make sure she knows it. That is the honest truth.
Now that I have a two year old boy and a two month old girl, life is crazy. I spend my days changing diapers, cleaning, cooking, and feeding babies. Jace is in his terrible twos and in full force. I daily feel like I'm about to breakdown and call it quits. Yesterday was one of those days. I spent the day with my sister, her baby boy, my mom, and Tessa. Bryce had Jace at home. It was nice and relaxing to only have to worry about a little baby who only wants food, a diaper change, and to be held. I could put her in her carseat and not have to worry about her walking off or grabbing things and putting it in a different place. I still missed Jace but I got to take a deep breath from him for a little while. I come home from my day out and Jace runs up to me and gives me a great big hug. I loved it! He was happy to see me. At least he was for a little while. Dinner went alright. He didn't eat much but that's not new news. He played with his sister for a little while. And then all hell broke lose. He screamed at me, had an attitude with me, even threw fits when he didn't get his way. My sweet little man turned mean and rude. I know this is just the age and he's trying to figure out his own way in the world but this hurts.
So I'm not going to lie, life kinda sucks right now. I wish some things were different. I wish I was a little different. But I will survive. I will make it through this stage and I will see brighter days.

Binky Fairy

We tried a few months ago to get Jace to give up his binky. I never wanted my 2 year old to have a binky. I never even wanted my one year old to have one. But life happens and we just never got around to taking it away from him. When we first tried to take the binky away, Jace was a mess. He cried for hours at night and screamed "binky!!! mommy, binky!!!" It was hard on all of us. He threw outrageous fits all day long and the only way to calm him down was to put him in a cold shower which I hated doing but it was the absolute only thing to snap him outta the uncontrollable cycle he was in. Yesterday we decided to send his binkies to the "binky fairy". Jace was really excited about tying his binkies to a balloon and letting them float up in the sky. Too bad we never got the chance! Jace managed to lose both binkies we had. So no binky fairy but Jace also didn't get any new binkies to replace his old ones. Nap time is hard for Jace without a binky but it can only get better from here! Bed time on the other hand wasn't so bad last night. He cried for a little bit and then fell asleep. Jace did wake up an hour after going to bed and sat on the couch with us for only 5 minutes before returning to bed and going to sleep for the night. We finally got rid of the binky! I could not be more proud of my little man!

Smile Through the Storm

I have to admit, I was SUPER excited to move to Texas last summer. It was supposed to be a new start for me, for my kids, for my marriage. Everything was going to be great, I just knew it. The 5 day drive from Washington to Dallas was the best. Jace did perfect minus getting super car sick the first day or so. I got to see family that I haven't seen in a long time. My nausea from being in my first trimester/second trimester was subsiding. Bryce didn't move with us right away. Things weren't the best in our relationship but we had been in a much worse situation and gotten through. The plan was for me and Jace to move with my parents so that we could settle while Bryce worked out and got into the military. One month after I got to Texas, Bryce moved down as well. We both left his family, our friends, a place where all our memories were. Washington was were we met, where we went to school together, where we had Jace, where we got married. Washington is our home and we left it behind to have a better life in Texas. Bryce was supposed to leave the beginning of December for boot camp with the USMC. Tessa was due the first of the year. Texas was supposed to make things better. Now, don't get me wrong Texas does bring me close to my parents and my sister. I was able to be there for my sister when she had my nephew. But I didn't sign up to be alone here. I have my husband, my parents, my sister, and my brother-in-law but that's it. I feel so alone here. The people I was close to from back home no longer speak to me even when I try to initiate the conversation. Now, I'm sure those reading this are like "Boohoo. Poor Emily. All alone in a new place." I knew it would be hard at first to be here but I didn't think it'd take such a toll on me. I see no point in trying to make new friends here when I'll be moving soon with no future plans of moving back here. I guess what I'm getting at is I wish things were easier and I wish I didn't feel so lonely when I have the most important people around me. I wish things were different and I wish time would fast forward a little bit so we could move on with our lives. Maybe someday my wishes will come true. Until then, I'll smile through this storm because I know once it subsides I'll have an even brighter time!

I am lucky.

Tessa is 2 weeks old today. She is such a joy in our lives! Every other night seems to be a challenge but oddly enough I don't mind missing out on sleep to take care of my daughter. She is starting to smile at us and "talk". We got the go ahead to let her sleep as long as she likes at night and Bryce and I both could not be happier to not have to set our alarm to wake us up every 3 hours to feed her. =) Jace is a great big brother. He loves his sister and gets so excited each time he gets to help feeding her or holding her. He hasn't learned just yet that he has to use an inside voice now but I know he'll get it soon.

After I had Jace I didn't have an issue right away with how my body looked. I had more weight around my hips, stretch marks on my belly, and I wasn't the skinniest thing around my belly. It never bothered me that I didn't have the perfect body anymore or that I would never wear a bikini again. For some reason I've been having a hard time with my body image since having Tessa. I hate that my belly is bigger than I want. I still have stretch marks. I'm even counting down the days until I can start working out. (28 days!!) Tonight I was Pinterest looking at postpartum tips and tricks of every kind. I came across this picture of a women's belly. It was full of stretch marks and beside it wrote, "For every woman unhappy with her postpartum marks, is another who wishes she had them." This got me thinking. I am lucky to have been given the chance to grow two children inside me. I am lucky that I have these marks because it means my body grew and stretched to great lengths to give my babies a home until they were ready to meet this world. I struggled with postpartum anxiety and depression after having Jace and I worry that I'll struggle with it again this time around. I need to keep reminding myself that I am lucky. There are so many women out there who would make amazing mothers but for some reason God has not gifted them the opportunity to bare child. I am lucky I was given the chance to carrying my two babies. Yes, my body may not be the most pleasing to the eyes but it was my children's home and those marks are a reminder to me that I'm lucky.

Welcome to the World Baby Tessa!

On January 8th, at 10:32am, Tessa Ivie Lynn joined our family. She weighed 7 pounds and 11 ounces and was 19 3/4 inches long. She is perfect in every way!!

We had waited for this beautiful girl to arrive for a long time. I was one week overdue before I got induced and it couldn't have come any faster!! We checked into the hospital at 7am. I made the mistake of not taking a tour of the hospital before hand so we had pretty much no clue as to where to go! It was kinda embarrassing. Once we found where we needed to go we got put into what they called the nicest delivery room. (Same thing happened when I went into labor with jace. ;) lucky me!) After an hour of paperwork, vital sign checks, and an IV put in, they started the Pitocin! That instantly put my contractions at uncomfortable every 5 minutes. Perfect right? Labor is going, things are good. Well my doctor said "lets step it up another notch and break your water!" I was thinking in mind that he better not go too far away because with Jace, once my water broke it wasn't long before he arrived! So Pitocin at 8, water broken at 830. I started pushing at 10:25am and with a push and a half Miss Tessa arrived. =) My doctor actually almost missed the delivery. The nurse wanted me to do a practice push to see how fast we needed the doctor and she was like "oh! better get him here asap!!" Talk about an easy labor right?! I definitely got lucky with my labor which is good because if I had a tough time after having such a tough pregnancy, I don't know if I would ever consider having more kids!

Not that there was anything wrong with Tessa, she was healthy, I told Bryce he had to stay by her side no matter what. So while she got measured, bathed, and looked at Bryce was right there by her side so she knew that her daddy was around. =) Tessa also decided that since we had pretty much forced her to come that she needed to let us know all about it! She cried almost nonstop for the first 2 hours of her life. Since she came so fast her body didn't have the proper time to adjust to life outside of the womb, her sinuses were FULL of amniotic fluid which caused her to snort and snore and breath funny. There wasn't much we could do for her for it other than wait for it to clear up on its own. We did end up trying saline drops in each nostril and that helped her out TONS!

Jace had stayed with my sister and her husband while we were in the hospital so later that afternoon they brought him by the hospital and Jace got to meet his little sister. =) He was excited for the first few minutes and then he was ready to go play with toys.

Having two children at home now is trying at times but I am so happy that my family is complete and we are all healthy. =)

My mom loves being a Grandmama to so many kids now. 

Daddy's and their babies. The cousins are only 6 weeks apart. 

All ready to go home! Yes she has little shoes on. =)

And she's out for the count!

Marine Corps, fish, Tessa, RN

I know it's been forever since I've updated my blog. My apologies!! Since I've last written so many great and wonderful things have happened. Bryce graduated high school. Jace turned 2! I stopped working to be a stay at home mommy. And we have all moved to just north of Fort Worth, TX.

Bryce has been working out and preparing his mind and body to join the US Marine Corps. He arrived here in Texas 2 weeks ago and only talked to the recruiter 10 days ago but he has already signed the papers and gone through most of the initial testing before he leaves to boot camp. From what the Master Sargent at the recruiter said Bryce will be leaving the first week in December for boot camp in San Diego. Words cannot describe how proud I am of him. Life has thrown him so many fire balls and each time he has come out even stronger. I can honestly say that he is my hero, my best friend, and someone I look forward to growing old together with. =)

Jace has grown like a weed! He loves anything to do with fish and cars. If it were up to Jace we would only watch Finding Nemo during the day. =) Each day he finds some way to remind me just how lucky I am to be a mom to such a sweet little boy. He already has been giving my baby belly hugs and kisses and telling the baby he can't wait to meet her. =) It's so precious and I know he'll be a great big brother.

Our due date is January 1st, 2014. In my ultrasound yesterday, the doctor did a quick little look and he believes we will be blessed with a baby girl. =) Bryce and I are both so excited! When we were pregnant with Jace we we're hoping with a girl but we were given a handsome little boy. So, we finally get our girl! Hopefully! I do have another ultrasound in 2 weeks to confirm. She is very active! Most of the day she's dancing around and kicking. In the mornings when I wake up but I don't really wanna get up and doing anything just yet, little Tessa always starts kicking and moving around to get me moving. =)

I haven't been up to much other than being a mom. I look forward to going back to school for my RN once the baby is here. Our apartment complex is right across the street from a community college and after some research I've figured out I can do one semester of prerequisites and then it's only 2 years of school and a BIG test and I'll have my RN. =) I am so excited to be moving forward on my own schooling and career.

I do want to say thank you to anyone and everyone who has prayed or thought good thoughts for my family. It has been a hard few months with moving and trying to find our feet but things are finally starting to smooth out and I am so grateful for everything!

April and May Update!

So the past month has been great!! I have officially graduated from school. Bryce is on track to graduate from high school and Jace is going to be a big brother! =) That's right, Bryce and I are expecting our second little bundle of joy! We were shocked at first but we couldn't be happier. My due date is New Years Day, 2014. =) Although Bryce will miss most of the pregnancy due to boot camp and other training, he should be home just in time for the baby to arrive.

Our first ultrasound picture at 7 weeks 5 days!

On another note, this last weekend was quite full for us. Friday we were invited to the Hawks Prairie Rotary club for a luncheon where Bryce received the Hawks Prairie Hero Award for senior graduating under extraordinary circumstances and a $500 check to help with our future. I could not have been more proud of him for it! He has gone through two deployments of his dad and two injuries on top of that. He's maintained a decent GPA while helping raise our son and maintained a successful marriage. How many other 18 year olds do you know that could face such hardship and continue to keep smiling!

The following Saturday was our Senior Prom. It was so nice to get all dressed up and act my age for a few hours. I didn't need to worry about doing laundry, changing diapers, making sure Jace isn't coloring all over himself with markers, or going to work to provide for my family. I got to dance, have fun and be a regular 18 year old kid. Although it was nice to forget about life's worries for a night, I wouldn't change my life for anything. I would never trade in my husband or my son. They are the one things that keep me going each and every day.

Jace is growing like a weed! He's into 2T clothes and size 7 toddler shoes. He just got a new toddler bed! The first night was rough. He spent 45 minutes sitting by his door with his pillow and blanket crying and knocking on the door asking us to let him out. The next day for nap time he cried as Bryce left the room and then he stopped and that was the last of the roughness. He now loves to play in his room when he wakes up and even has learned how to open his door to knock on our to wake us up. =) He is definitely a smart little cookie!

Jace's first haircut!

Today I bit the bullet and took Jace to get his first haircut. I had been putting it off and putting it off because I was nervous and scared to see my little baby look like a little kid. I must say now that it's over and done with, I'm glad we did it. He went from having a mini mullet and looking like polished little man. =)

The before pictures, front and back of the mullet!

Sitting up in the chair by himself like a big boy!

Look at the handsome little fellow! =) Can't believe how much older he looks! =)

Daddy's little helper

Bryce got a new "workout" machine thingy. As he was putting it together Jace decided he needed to be a handyman as well and help his daddy. It was the sweetest thing ever!

Jace then decided that one of the parts was a toy and he needed to carry it around. This little boy always finds a way to make me smile and forget all the stupid little things I get upset over each day!